[General] Where the things stuck?

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Charlie Bernstein

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Of course! But in my humble opinion you should attain fluency before you set your sights on eloquence. (You have to walk before you can run.)
Exactly! Does that make sense, Eco? First, learn to express yourself correctly. Your English can't be eloquent if it's not fluent. Fluency must come first.
 

Economist2010

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I am not in full agreement with what you said guys. If the email is going to be sent to a CEO who have hundreds of emails on a daily basis to answer, you should make your e-mail eloquent and impressive so that he can pay attention to it and read it all.

As you can see, there no major mistakes in my e-mail but I am here to seek your support in editing my e-mail in a way that makes it eloquent. This how I can get my English to improve.
 

Charlie Bernstein

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I am not in full agreement with what you said, guys.

You have a group of fluent English speakers here giving you advice. Most of us also have a lot of experience with the job market. None of us has anything to gain by giving you bad advice.

Do you really think we're all wrong?


If the email is going to be sent to a CEO who has hundreds of emails on a daily basis to answer, you should make your e-mail eloquent [STRIKE]and impressive[/STRIKE] so that he or she will pay attention to it and read it all.

None of us said there's anything wrong with eloquence. Eloquence is a wonderful thing. Reread our comments.


As you can see, there are no major mistakes in my e-mail, but I am here to seek your support in editing my e-mail in a way that makes it eloquent. This how I can get my English to improve.
You make lots of mistakes. Some are major. You made seven mistakes in this one post. Saying have instead of has is a major imstake. So is leaving out the verb are. Those major mistakes show that your English is not fluent yet. Likewise, poor word choice (like impressive) shows that you are not fluent.

Say less. The more you say, the more mistakes you'll make. We advise ALL students, including native speakers, to keep it simple.

We're on your side. English is a difficult language.
 
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Economist2010

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I would appreciate it Charlie if you could re-write the last version of my email in your own way as you recently did with the earlier version of my e-mail.
 

Charlie Bernstein

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I would appreciate it Charlie if you could re-write the last version of my email in your own way as you recently did with the earlier version of my e-mail.
It's in post #10.
 

Economist2010

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Yes. Do you see all the changes I made? They're in red.

No, I can't see it. I see the second version of my email in post #10.

I mean the below version:

"I was and am still grateful of your enthusiasm for me as a candidate, in treating my application, and in each of your positive reply to my follow up e-mails. This something I appreciate and I wish to be exist until you have me on board.

I am with HR that locals have the highest priority but since you mentioned that you plan to beef the team up, and since you postponed your decision in my application until you see what will happen after a few weeks, I believe that your decision and ongoing support are still needed to align with HR to get an exception for me to join the team as an expat."
 

Charlie Bernstein

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That's odd. Here are the changes in post #10:

[STRIKE]Hi Karen,[/STRIKE]

I have made some tweaks to the draft of my email to be more professional and to be acceptable to the CEO.

I really appreciate your help in editing it.

"I [STRIKE]was and[/STRIKE] am [STRIKE]still[/STRIKE] grateful for your enthusiasm for me as a candidate[STRIKE], in treating my application, and in each of[/STRIKE] and for your positive replies to my [STRIKE]follow up[/STRIKE] e-mails. [STRIKE]This something I appreciate and I wish to be exist until you have me on board.[/STRIKE]

Don't assume you'll get the job. That would make you sound like you're not listening.


I [STRIKE]am with HR that[/STRIKE] know that locals have the highest priority, but since you mentioned that you plan to beef the team up[STRIKE], and since you postponed your decision in my application until you[/STRIKE] and see what [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] happens over the next few weeks, I apprediate your keeping me in mind.[STRIKE]believe that your decision and ongoing support are still needed to align with HR to get an exception for me to join the team as an expat."[/STRIKE]
 

Economist2010

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That's odd. Here are the changes in post #10:

[STRIKE]Hi Karen,[/STRIKE]

I have made some tweaks to the draft of my email to be more professional and to be acceptable to the CEO.

I really appreciate your help in editing it.

"I [STRIKE]was and[/STRIKE] am [STRIKE]still[/STRIKE] grateful for your enthusiasm for me as a candidate[STRIKE], in treating my application, and in each of[/STRIKE] and for your positive replies to my [STRIKE]follow up[/STRIKE] e-mails. [STRIKE]This something I appreciate and I wish to be exist until you have me on board.[/STRIKE]

Don't assume you'll get the job. That would make you sound like you're not listening.


I [STRIKE]am with HR that[/STRIKE] know that locals have the highest priority, but since you mentioned that you plan to beef the team up[STRIKE], and since you postponed your decision in my application until you[/STRIKE] and see what [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] happens over the next few weeks, I apprediate your keeping me in mind.[STRIKE]believe that your decision and ongoing support are still needed to align with HR to get an exception for me to join the team as an expat."[/STRIKE]

Thanks Charlie. I didn't mean that. I wanted you to rewrite it totally in your own way not to just correct the errors.

I would really appreciate it if you rewrite the full email without removing any part of it. Just for my learning.
 
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Tdol

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Iyou should make your e-mail eloquent and impressive so that he can pay attention to it and read it all

But you shouldn't have a narrow view of what impresses people.
 

Charlie Bernstein

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Thanks Charlie. I didn't mean that. I wanted you to rewrite it totally in your own way not to just correct the errors.

I would really appreciate it if you rewrite the full email without removing any part of it. Just for my learning.
I removed parts of it for reasons:

- The phrase "am with HR" doesn't make sense.

- The phrase "since you postponed your decision in my application until you" is wordy and not needed.

- The phrase that begins "believe that your decision and ongong support are still needed . . . ." has two problems:

1. He knows that.

2. He has a human resources department so that he doesn't have to deal with job applicants, including you. So it's better to respect that and not to mention human resources. Your letter should simply (a) thank him for his encouragement and (b) let him know that you still want there.​

Others here might have different opinions. Those are mine, and that's what I gave you in the corrected version. I'm happy to make corrections, but I don't write letters or papers for students. That wouldn't teach you anything, right?

And an oops: I misspelled appreciate in the letter's last line.
 
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