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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...to be upfront...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** *************************************************

    Gan didnít lead his team blindly; he sent out scouts to check the area ahead as he usually would, as Lili had taught him. Gan also began teaching Bailian to be a scout. She was fast, but she was noisy, and a scout had to be not only as silent as possible but also had to be able to read the signs of the terrain. Bailian, Gan found, was a quick study, and Gan soon had her accompanying other scouts to learn more.

    Jingying had decided to join her husbandís trek for a few reasons. The most important one was to save him from himself. She knew he would want to be upfront, scouting ahead etc. He wasnít one to delegate when he could do something himself, but Gan was not a young man anymore, at least not physically. Gan had to learn to tell others what to do, and she would make sure that that was what he did.


    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...to be upfront...

    You use too many words, starting with Gan didn't lead his team blindly.

    It seems that Gan is leading an army unit.

    If Gan is a leader he knows how to delegate responsibility. If he doesn't know how to do that he isn't a leader yet.

    She was fast, but she was noisy ...

    I am not sure what that means.

    If you want to learn how to be a musician, you might want to learn from a musician. If you want to learn how to be a scout you might want to learn from a scout.

    If there are signs to read that sure makes it easy. (You might want to say read the terrain for signs of ....

    I am not sure these paragraphs advance the story.
    Not a professional teacher

  3. #3
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...to be upfront...

    One more thing. Rather than saying Gan would want to be upfront (which doesn't fit there in my opinion), I suggest that you say he would want to take the lead.

    www.dictionary.com
    Not a professional teacher

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...to be upfront...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    One more thing. Rather than saying Gan would want to be upfront (which doesn't fit there in my opinion), I suggest that you say he would want to take the lead.

    www.dictionary.com
    Right. Upfront doesn't mean up front or in front. It means honest, forthright.

    It's also a more contemporary word that doesn't fit the old-fashioned style of the story.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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