Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    615

    ...the mountain trail...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** *********************************************

    Gan placed the journal, which he had wrapped in oiled leather, into the crevice. Gan had also brought an extra bow, the one he had when he left his city behind; this too, Gan wrapped in oiled leather with a couple of arrowheads he had made, then placed them on a shelf of rock.

    Jingying asked. “Isn’t that bow sentimental?”

    Gan said. “Yes, it was the first good bow I made, if my father ever comes here, he will recognise it and the arrowheads, and he will know I left them for him to find.”

    The next day, Gan, Jingying, Bailian, and a few others ascended the mountain trail to see what, if anything, was left of the city from which Gan and his people had come. When they reached the top, the sun was at midmorning behind them, and the valley fully lit in before them. Jingying wept.

    Someone said, "There is nothing but sand Gan. "

    Gan replied. “Once a city of over a million people stood there; now, there is nothing left. What a sad loss for the world".
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    tedmc is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Malaysia
      • Current Location:
      • Malaysia
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    7,688

    Re: ...the mountain trail...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** *********************************************

    Gan placed the journal (no comma) which he had wrapped in oiled leather, into the crevice. Gan had also brought an extra bow, the one he had when he left his city behind; this too, Gan wrapped in oiled leather with a couple of arrowheads he had made, then placed them on a shelf of rock.

    Jingying asked. “Isn’t that bow sentimental?”

    Gan said. “Yes, it was the first good bow I made. If my father ever comes here, he will recognise it and the arrowheads, and he will know I left them for him to find.”

    The next day, Gan, Jingying, Bailian, and a few others ascended the mountain trail to see what, if anything, was left of the city from which Gan and his people had come. When they reached the top, the sun was at mid-morning position behind them, and the valley fully lit in before them. Jingying wept.

    Someone said, "There is nothing but sand, Gan. "

    Gan replied. “Once a city of over a million people stood there; now, there is nothing left. What a sad loss for the world".
    .
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  3. #3
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,823

    Re: ...the mountain trail...

    "Isn't that bow sentimental?"

    No, it isn't. Because bows don't have sentiments. What do you really mean to say?

    What happened to the city? Was it abandoned? Why?

    Why does Gan call it his city?

    There are more and more mysteries.
    Last edited by Tarheel; 23-Mar-2021 at 06:37. Reason: Fix text (Inserted missing punctuation)
    Not a professional teacher

  4. #4
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    615

    Re: ...the mountain trail...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    "Isn't that bow sentimental"

    No, it isn't. Because bows don't have sentiments. What do you really mean to say?

    Actually, Gan answered this question.

    What happened to the city? Was it abandoned? Why?

    Yeah, it was abandoned long ago because of the bararians' invasion.

    Why does Gan call it his city?

    Because Gan and his family lived there before the invasion.


    There are more and more mysteries.

    Hope you can understand now.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  5. #5
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    22,823

    Re: ...the mountain trail...

    Now I understand that there was an invasion by a hostile power (barbarians). I still don't know why the place was abandoned. There have been many invasions throughout history, but people still kept living in those places. A flood or a drought would explain why the place was abandoned.
    Not a professional teacher

  6. #6
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    9,450

    Re: ...the mountain trail...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** *********************************************

    Gan placed the journal, which he had wrapped in oiled leather, into the crevice. Gan had also brought an extra bow, the one he had when he left his city behind; this too, Gan wrapped in oiled leather with a couple of arrowheads he had made, then placed them on a shelf of rock.

    Jingying asked,Don't you feel sentimental about that bow?”

    Bows don't have feelings.

    Gan said. “Yes, it was the first good bow I made. If my father ever comes here, he will recognise it and the arrowheads, and he will know I left them for him to find.”

    The next day, Gan, Jingying, Bailian, and a few others ascended the mountain trail to see what, if anything, was left of the city from which Gan and his people had come. When they reached the top at midmorning, the sun was at midmorning behind them, and the valley fully lit in before them. Jingying wept.

    Midmorning is a time, not a place.


    Someone said, "There is nothing but sand, Gan. "

    Gan replied, “Once a city of over a million people stood there; now, there is nothing left. What a sad loss for the world".
    Too many run-on sentences.

    There is only one journal, so the commas before "which" and after "leather" are necessary.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •