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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...venture into the city...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** **************************************************
    Gan took a terrestrial telescope out of his pack, and using a nearby rock to steady it, he aimed it where the city had once stood. Gan panned from the south side of the city towards the north side, stopping just a little north of its centre. A dune, much higher than any of the others had formed where he estimated his old home, his father’s house, to be. There was no sign of the house from this angle, so Gan was faced with a dilemma. Should he venture into the city and find out for sure, risking the loss of all hope, or should he leave with his hope intact?

    Meanwhile, in the city, in Gan’s home, his father, Yang, was considering a trip to the hunter’s cave to see what trace, if any, Gan may have left behind. Yang was getting old, and he wanted to make the journey while he still could.

    Rui said, “Well, Father, if we are going to do this, the sooner, the better, I’m not getting any younger”.

    Yang laughed. “Thanks, son, my old friend. Thank you for inviting yourself and not mentioning my age too directly”.

    Meili said, “I’m coming too, Grandfather, two old men like yourselves may need the help of someone more youthful. I’ll prepare the laser; we can start melting the sand that’s blocking the exit tomorrow. It will need to be recharged a few times, so it will take a couple of days, possibly more”.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is online now VIP Member
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    Re: ...venture into the city...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** **************************************************
    Gan took a terrestrial telescope out of his pack, and using a nearby rock to steady it, he aimed it where the city had once stood. Gan panned from the south side of the city towards the north side, stopping just a little north of its centre. A dune, much higher than any of the others had formed where he estimated his old home, his father’s house, to be. There was no sign of the house from this angle, so Gan was faced with a dilemma. Should he venture into the city and find out for sure, risking the loss of all hope, or should he leave with his hope intact?

    Meanwhile, in the city, in Gan’s home, his father, Yang, was considering a trip to the hunter’s cave to see what trace, if any, Gan may have left behind. Yang was getting old, and he wanted to make the journey while he still could.
    Rui said, “Well, Father, if we are going to do this, the sooner, the better. I’m not getting any younger”.

    Yang laughed. “Thanks, son, my old friend. Thank you for inviting yourself and not mentioning my age too directly”.

    It's not natural to call a son an old friend.


    Meili said, “I’m coming too, Grandfather. Two old men like you may need the help of someone younger. I’ll prepare the laser. We can start melting the sand that’s blocking the exit tomorrow. It will need to be recharged a few times, so it will take a couple of days, possibly more”.
    Make the full stop your friend. It will make your stories MUCH easier to read.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: ...venture into the city...

    Terrestrial telescope is correct, but might it not sound a little pedantic here?

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...venture into the city...

    What's a terrestrial telescope? Is it one that's not in space (like Hubble)?
    Not a professional teacher

  5. #5
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: ...venture into the city...

    It gives an image that is not inverted.

  6. #6
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: ...venture into the city...

    I prefer my definition


    Anybody unfamiliar with telescopes (most of us) will probably not understand what a terrestrial telescope is even with an explanation.
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  7. #7
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: ...venture into the city...

    That is why I suggested using simply telescope. Experts will know all this stuff: https://hubblesite.org/glossary

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