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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Patrick William looked out the window

    Is this correct and natural?

    Patrick William looked out the window of his presidential suite at Hilton in Honolulu. The shimmer of the sun swayed on the waves along with the surfers. Patrick decided to walk from his hotel to the beach. Strong winds ran off the sea making the air heavy and humid. The salt in the air stung his eyes, coating his tongue. The rivulets of sweat ran down his forehead faster as he got closer to the sea. He decided to go for a dip. As he squatted down to untie the laces of his two-thousand-dollar Italian shoes, he heard a woman screaming her lungs out. Patrick quickly took off his shoe and ran towards the water only to see blood and foam merge on top of the waves, crashing on sand.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    I'm not sure what it means for the air to be heavy.

    What happened? Why was there blood in the water? A shark attack?
    Not a professional teacher

  3. #3
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    I totally understand the idea of the air being heavy and humid. However, I don't associate it with strong winds. For me, heavy, humid air is usually very still. The air feels as if it's practically stuck to your skin.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  4. #4
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I totally understand the idea of the air being heavy and humid. However, I don't associate it with strong winds. For me, heavy, humid air is usually very still. The air feels as if it's practically stuck to your skin.
    Fair enough. You are very meticulous and I like that about you.

    Is this correct and natural now?

    Patrick William looked out the window of his presidential suite at Hilton in Honolulu. The shimmer of the sun mingled with the foam on top of the waves, swaying gently. Patrick decided to walk from his hotel to the beach. The air was heavy and humid outside the hotel and the salt in it stung his eyes, coating his tongue. The rivulets of sweat ran down his forehead faster as he got closer to the sea. The faint hum of the ocean wafted through the still air. The water looked warm and welcoming. He decided to go for a dip. As he squatted down to untie the laces of his two-thousand-dollar Italian shoes, he heard a woman screaming her lungs out. Patrick quickly took off his shoes and ran towards the water only to see blood and foam merge on top of the waves, crashing on sand.

  5. #5
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    I think it's fairly well written. Why do I say that? Because I am not paying attention to the writing as much as to the story. I want to know what happens next.

    It does seem a bit odd that he wears such expensive shoes to the beach. But other than that minor distraction I want to know what happens next. Is there more?
    Not a professional teacher

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    I want to know what happens next. Is there more?
    Not at the moment. It's a work in progress.

  7. #7
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Fair enough. You are very meticulous and I like that about you.

    Is this correct and natural now?

    Patrick William looked out the window of his presidential suite at the Honolulu Hilton. The shimmer of the sun mingled with the foam on top of the waves, swaying gently. Patrick decided to walk from his hotel to the beach. The air was heavy and humid outside the hotel and the salt in it stung his eyes, coating his tongue. The rivulets of sweat ran down his forehead faster as he got closer to the sea. The faint hum of the ocean wafted through the still air. The water looked warm and welcoming. He decided to go for a dip. As he squatted down to untie the laces of his two-thousand-dollar Italian shoes, he heard a woman screaming her lungs out. [cliche] Patrick quickly took off his shoes and ran towards the water only to see blood and foam merge on top of the waves, crashing on sand.
    In the US, no one would ever be called Patrick William. It might be common in the UK, but I've never heard it.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  8. #8
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    I'm not sure what it means for the air to be heavy.

    What happened? Why was there blood in the water? A shark attack?
    Yes. A shark attacked her.

  9. #9
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    I'm not sure what it means for the air to be heavy. . . .
    Humid, muggy.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  10. #10
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: Patrick William looked out the window

    Is William his surname or his middle name?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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