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  1. #1
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    ...time to acclimatise...

    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ***************************************
    The trip back to Jade Valley was uneventful. Bailian and Jingying collected saplings to take back to the Jade Valley. Bailian planned to put them in clay pots so that she could tend to them herself before planting them in the forest area. Also, they needed a little time to acclimatise. The others joined in to help, and they soon accumulated over two thousand tree saplings.

    When they returned, Yang invited his parents and sister over for dinner, and the usual conversation ensued between bites of food. Yang said to his father, “Dad, I hear you have another student, Bailian.”

    Gan replied, “Yes, she’s an amazing student, a fast learner.”

    Lanhua said, “Better than Yang?”

    Gan smiled, “Ohh, yes, much better. She can follow instructions precisely.” Everyone laughed. Gan had told many stories of Yang’s headstrong disobedience when he was younger.

    Yang defended himself as he had many times before, almost word for word. “I didn’t disobey you, Father. I acted before you could say no. Besides, that disobedience saved Moogh.”
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...time to acclimatise...

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Hi there. Would you please proofread the following text? Any help would be appreciated.

    ************************************************** ***************************************
    The trip back to Jade Valley was uneventful.

    Where were they when they went back to Jade Valley?


    Bailian and Jingying collected saplings to take back to the Jade Valley

    How did they do that?

    Bailian planned to put them in clay pots so that she could tend to them herself before planting them in the forest area.

    A forest area already has trees in it. Where would the saplings go?

    Also, they would need a little time to acclimatise.

    That doesn't fit here.

    The others joined in to help, and they soon accumulated over two thousand tree saplings.

    How did they do that?
    They had to put those saplings somewhere. Where? What did they put them in? How did they transport them?
    Not a professional teacher

  3. #3
    rodgers white is offline Senior Member
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    Re: ...time to acclimatise...

    Where were they when they went back to Jade Valley?

    They were at the city where they lived before.

    How did they do that?
    Good question. Actually I hadn't thought about it much before.

    A forest area already has trees in it. Where would the saplings go?
    Every year they cut some big trees for various uses, so they wanted the forest to grow in a sustainable way.

    That doesn't fit here.---- What do you mean? Can you elaborate a bit?

    They had to put those saplings somewhere.

    Where? What did they put them in? How did they transport them?
    Actually, I hadn't thought about that much. Sorry.

    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-Apr-2021 at 19:18.
    Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: ...time to acclimatise...

    Details are important. The reader will expect to see them. For example, if somebody went to work how did he get there? Did he drive or did he take the bus?

    If I picked a flower and put it in my pocket that's one thing. But if I picked 100 flowers it would be important to mention why I did it and what I did with them. And what does it have to do with the rest of the story?

    Real life events don't have to be believable. Fiction does.
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