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  1. #11
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Patrick opened the door and walked inside

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this completely okay?


    Patrick opened the door and walked into the garden surrounding the villa.

    OK.

    He passed the lush trees shading the white building and saw a vast expanse of barren land to the east of the villa. The soil was cracked and it looked like it had been plowed a long time ago, dry furrows running vertically along its length.

    Patrick walked towards one of the furrows, feeling dirt clods crushing beneath his sneakers. He sat by a furrow, enjoying the sun on his skin. A black insect was crawling sluggishly along the furrow, its feelers moving. Patrick heard an engine come to life in the distance, perhaps a diesel water pump, and a few minutes later water started flowing slowly in the channels, shimmering in the sun. The black insect was taken by the water, trying to keep itself afloat, flailing helplessly. After a few minutes, it succumbed to the water, plunging into the rivulet flowing in the furrows.
    I don't understand the word screening there, so I suggested shading. We don't use trudged very often to replace walked. (Rarely, in fact.)

    There doesn't seem to be any reason to mention the color of the building.

    That narration is rich in detail.
    Not a professional teacher

  2. #12
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Patrick opened the door and walked inside

    I understand the idea of the trees screening the house. Some people purposely grow a row of trees between their house and anywhere members of the public (or even their neighbours) might be. The trees act as a screen, shielding the house from view.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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