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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Alice had to spend the next seven days in a farmhouse

    Note from mod: This has been superseded by a newer version in post #2. Please do not base any responses on this post, but on post #2.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Alice had to spend the next seven days in a farmhouse. On the drive towards the place, she had mixed feelings. A part of her was excited that she would get to experience something new but the city slicker inside her kept fretting over living on a farm for a whole week.

    The farmhouse was connected to the main road by a wide gravel driveway. Alice turned right, drove through it and stopped behind a massive iron grill door coated with rust. She then honked and a few seconds later saw an old man with a big belly waddle towards the door and open it. He waved her to come in and showed her where to park her car.

    Alice slid out of her Cadillac and was greeted by the old man. He was completely bald on top and had long white hair on the sides. He looked Alice up and down, trying to hide his surprise. With a short plaid skirt and black stilettos, she looked completely out of place.

    "My name is Bernard," he said. "I'm pleased to meet you Alice." Bernard grinned, revealing a set of decaying teeth.

    "I'm happy to be here," answered Alice looking around the place. To her left sat a big red barn. To her right was a small white building. The two structures were surrounded by tall trees. Alice was looking up at them wondering what type they were when she heard the whimper of a dog and the crunch of its paws on gravel. Her gaze shifted down to a thin brown dog stained with mud.

    "And this would be Lucky Luke," said Bernard, laughing out loud. "I call him Lucky because he has survived two car accidents." He then coughed into his hand.

    "Well hello Mr. Luke." Alice kept her distance with the dog wondering when was the last time he was washed.

    Bernard went inside the barn and came back with a plastic bag. The dog sprinted towards him, jumping up and down. Bernard grabbed a fish head from inside the bag and threw it on the ground. It immediately attracted a cloud of flies. Luke ran towards it, shaking his head and slapping the air to get rid of the flies. He then started licking the fish head. Alice's face crumpled in disgust as the smell of dead fish hit her nose. It was the worst thing she had smelled in her life. She tried to breathe with her mouth.

    "Can we go inside the building Mr. Bernard?"

    "Sure. Are you okay?" asked Bernard, puzzled. Alice nodded and he led the way towards the white building, waddling slowly. He opened the door and the first thing Alice saw was the oversized shadow of a fan whirring on the wall. The late afternoon summer sun was streaming through the windows, coloring everything inside with a copper glow. The rectangle building was carpeted with an old orange rug. There was a layer of dust on the furniture which appeared to be from the previous century. You gotta be kidding me. Alice was already sweating. Her eyes searched around the room for an air conditioning device and couldn't find one. Hell, this is hell, she mumbled to herself.

    "Excuse me?" asked Bernard.

    "Nothing. I was just wondering if..." her voice trailed off.

    "I have to go back to the barn Ms. Alice. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask," he said walking towards the barn.

    Alice saw a cobweb hanging in the left corner and she ran outside. She now noticed the whole premise was marked by a long fence on top of which was barbed wire. The metal door looked like a prison door. The whole place now felt like a prison. Muffled curses escaped her lips. I will kill them. I will kill all of them. All of those who brought this life on me.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 30-Apr-2021 at 20:52. Reason: Greying out this version because a newer version is below.

  2. #2
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Alice had to spend the next seven days in a farmhouse

    Is this correct and natural?

    Alice had to spend the next seven days in a farmhouse. On the drive towards the place, she had mixed feelings. A part of her was excited that she would get to experience something new but the city slicker inside her kept fretting over living on a farm for a whole week.

    The farmhouse was connected to the main road by a wide gravel driveway. Alice turned right, drove through it and stopped behind a massive iron grill door coated with rust. She then honked and a few seconds later saw an old man with a big belly waddle towards the door and open it. He waved her to come in and showed her where to park her car.

    Alice slid out of her Cadillac and was greeted by the old man. He was completely bald on top and had long white hair on the sides. He looked Alice up and down, trying to hide his surprise. With a short plaid skirt and black stilettos, she looked completely out of place.

    "My name is Bernard," he said. "I'm pleased to meet you, Alice." Bernard grinned, revealing a set of decaying teeth.

    "I'm happy to be here," answered Alice looking around the place. To her left sat a big red barn. To her right was a small white building. The two structures were surrounded by tall trees. Alice was looking up at them, wondering what type they were when she heard the whimper of a dog and the crunch of its paws on gravel. Her gaze shifted down to a thin brown dog stained with mud.

    "And this would be Lucky Luke," said Bernard, laughing out loud. "I call him Lucky because he has survived two car accidents." He then coughed into his hand.

    "Well hello, Mr. Luke." Alice kept her distance with the dog, wondering when was the last time he was washed.

    Bernard went inside the barn and came back with a plastic bag. The dog sprinted towards him, jumping up and down. Bernard grabbed a fish head from inside the bag and threw it on the ground. It immediately attracted a cloud of flies. Luke ran towards it, shaking his head and slapping the air to get rid of the flies. He then started licking the fish head. Alice's face crumpled in disgust as the smell of dead fish hit her nose. It was the worst thing she had smelled in her life. She tried to breathe with her mouth.

    "Can we go inside the building, Mr. Bernard?"

    "Sure. Are you okay?" asked Bernard, puzzled. Alice nodded and he led the way towards the white building, waddling slowly. He opened the door and the first thing Alice saw was the oversized shadow of a fan whirring on the wall. The late afternoon summer sun was streaming through the windows, coloring everything inside with a copper glow. The rectangle building was carpeted with an old orange rug. There was a layer of dust on the furniture which appeared to be from the previous century. You gotta be kidding me. Alice was already sweating. Her eyes searched around the room for an air conditioning device and couldn't find one. Hell, this is hell, she mumbled to herself.

    "Excuse me?" asked Bernard.

    "Nothing. I was just wondering if ..." her voice trailed off.

    "I have to go back to the barn, Ms. Alice. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask," he said walking towards the barn.

    Alice saw a cobweb hanging in the left corner and she ran outside. She now noticed the whole premise was marked by a long fence on top of which was barbed wire. The metal door looked like a prison door. The whole place now felt like a prison. Muffled curses escaped her lips. I will kill them. I will kill all of them. All of those who brought this life on me.

    Note from OP: I read it again and noticed I had to add some commas. I have done so (I was too late to edit post #1).
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 30-Apr-2021 at 20:52.

  3. #3
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Alice had to spend the next seven days in a farmhouse

    Two things. The door is a gate. And it's a rectangular building.
    Not a professional teacher

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Alice had to spend the next seven days in a farmhouse

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    Alice had to spend the next seven days in a farmhouse. On the drive towards the place, she had mixed feelings. A part of her was excited that she would get to experience something new but the city slicker inside her kept fretting over living on a farm for a whole week.

    Compound sentences need commas.


    The farmhouse was connected to the main road by a wide gravel driveway. Alice turned right, drove through it and stopped behind a massive iron grill door coated with rust. She then honked and a few seconds later saw an old man with a big belly waddle towards the door and open it. He waved her to come in and showed her where to park her car.

    Alice slid out of her Cadillac and was greeted by the old man. He was completely bald on top and had long white hair on the sides. He looked Alice up and down, trying to hide his surprise. With a short plaid skirt and black stilettos, she looked completely out of place.

    "My name is Bernard," he said. "I'm pleased to meet you, Alice." Bernard grinned, revealing a set of decaying teeth.

    "I'm happy to be here," answered Alice, looking around the place. To her left sat a big red barn. To her right was a small white building. The two structures were surrounded by tall trees. Alice was looking up at them, wondering what type they were, when she heard the whimper of a dog and the crunch of its paws on gravel.

    When you put a phrase inside an independent clause, it needs commas on both sides of the phrase.


    Her gaze shifted down to a thin brown dog stained with mud.

    "And this would be Lucky Luke," said Bernard, laughing out loud. "I call him Lucky because he's survived two car accidents." He then coughed into his hand.

    "Well hello, Mr. Luke." Alice kept her distance from the dog, wondering when was the last time he was washed was.

    Bernard went inside the barn and came back with a plastic bag. The dog sprinted towards him, jumping up and down. Bernard grabbed a fish head from inside the bag and threw it on the ground. It immediately attracted a cloud of flies. Luke ran towards it, shaking his head and slapping the air to get rid of the flies. He then started licking the fish head. Alice's face crumpled in disgust as the smell of dead fish hit her nose. It was the worst thing she had smelled in her life. She tried to breathe with her mouth.

    "Can we go inside the building, Mr. Bernard?"

    "Sure. Are you okay?" asked Bernard, puzzled. Alice nodded and he led the way towards the white building, waddling slowly. He opened the door and the first thing Alice saw was the oversized shadow of a fan whirring on the wall.

    Compound sentence.


    The late afternoon summer sun was streaming through the windows, coloring everything inside with a copper glow. The rectangle building was carpeted with an old orange rug. There was a layer of dust on the furniture, which appeared to be from the previous century.

    When a phrase is added at the end of an indepenent clause, a comma goes before the phrase.


    You gotta be kidding me. Alice was already sweating. Her eyes searched around the room for an air conditioner and couldn't find one. Hell. This is hell, she mumbled to herself.

    "Excuse me?" asked Bernard.

    "Nothing. I was just wondering if ..." her voice trailed off.

    "I have to go back to the barn, Ms. Alice. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask," he said walking towards the barn.

    Alice saw a cobweb hanging in the left corner, and she ran outside.

    Compound sentence!


    She now noticed the whole premises was marked by a long fence on top of which was barbed wire. The metal door looked like a prison door. The whole place now felt like a prison. Muffled curses escaped her lips. I will kill them. I will kill all of them. All of those who brought this life on me.

    Note from OP: I read it again and noticed I had to add some commas. I have done so (I was too late to edit post #1).

    You missed some!
    On we go!
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 02-May-2021 at 14:50.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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