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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Maxim kept walking under the midday sun. He felt his iPhone vibrate in his back pocket. He grabbed it, sighing deeply as he saw the LOW BATTERY warning on the screen. Okay, don't lose it man. There must be a working electric socket in this village. To his right stood a half rubble, half apartment consisted of three stories. The top floor didn't have a wall and Maxim could see broken furniture half buried in the living room. The middle floor's wall was half-ruined, crooked rebar sticking out of its wall and the ground floor was almost intact. He saw the cable that connected the house to the electricity grid that ran along the alley. Alright. This is good. He cautiously opened the peeling white door, stepping inside. The door of the ground floor was swaying, making a creaking noise. Maxim walked inside the apartment. He passed a short hallway carpeted with a battered red rug to enter the living room, feeling the musty air that had been trapped for a long a time. Everything inside was covered with months of dust. For a moment, Maxim tried to imagine the house and the family inside it in their heyday. The rumble of machine guns broke the silence, pulling him out of his reverie. He saw three bullet holes on the wall that faced the alley. Shafts of sun burst through them, illuminating the dust floating in the air.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    Maxim kept walking under the midday sun. He felt his iPhone vibrate in his back pocket. He grabbed it, sighing deeply as he saw the LOW BATTERY warning on the screen. Okay, don't lose it man. There must be a working electric socket in this village. To his right stood a half-rubble three-story apartment building. The top floor didn't have a wall, and Maxim could see broken furniture half-buried in the living room. The middle floor's wall was half-ruined, crooked rebar sticking out of its wall, but the ground floor was almost intact. He saw the cable that connected the house to the electricity grid that ran along the alley. Alright. This is good. He cautiously opened the peeling white door, stepping inside. The door of the ground floor was swaying, making a creaking noise. Maxim walked inside the apartment. He passed a short hallway carpeted with a battered red rug to enter the living room, feeling the musty air that had been trapped for a long a time. Everything inside was covered with months of dust. For a moment, Maxim tried to imagine the house and the family inside it in their heyday. The rumble of machine guns broke the silence, pulling himself out of his reverie. He saw three bullet holes on the wall that faced the alley. Shafts of sun burst through them, illuminating the dust floating in the air.
    An apartment is one unit of an apartment building (or as the Brits say, block of flats).

    And the Brits spell story storey. I forget which version of English you usually use.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    An apartment is one unit of an apartment building (or as the Brits say, block of flats).

    And the Brits spell story storey. I forget which version of English you usually use.

    Why himself?

    I think I need to change the verb from "pull" to "jolt".

    ...jolting him out of his reverie....

  4. #4
    5jj's Avatar
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    Re: Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Why himself?
    I think that's a mistake. 'Him' was correct.

    I think I need to change the verb from "pull" to "jolt".

    ...jolting him out of his reverie....
    'Jolt' is better.

  5. #5
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    How about something like catching the dust? We already know it's light.

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    How about something like catching the dust? We already know it's light.
    Do you mean catch instead of illuminate?

  7. #7
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    Yup

  8. #8
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is online now Moderator
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    Re: Maxim kept walking under the midday sun.

    I'd prefer "catch" but I'd change the order of the sentence to use it. I'd say something like "Flecks of dust were caught in/by the shafts of sunlight coming through them".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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