Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

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alpacinou

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Is this correct and natural?

Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep, doing her best to keep her eyes on the dark road. She fumbled with the radio buttons to find a station but high in the mountains, she only got screeching noises from the radio which were interrupted by a beeping sound coming from the dashboard display. A red stop sign was blinking and the temperature gauge was stuck to the red hot part. Damn it! It must be the radiator. Stopping the car, she popped the hood, hearing a faint drip of water. She checked the radiator pipe and saw a small hole in it, wetting a metal bar beneath. The battery of her phone had died an hour ago so she had to hope a passer would come to her rescue. There was an ugly concrete building on the other side of the road. I will wait for half an hour and then will check that building. Thirty minutes crawled by without one car passing the road. She mustered the courage to cross the road and check the building. The two sides of the road were separated by a narrow strip of trees most of which looked unwatered and weak. Even in the dark of night Jane could see their leaves had been blackened by years of soot from the passing cars.

The neck-high wall of the compound had been painted black also. She jumped inside on a narrow way which was coated with a sticky layer of grime and wasted motor oil. There was a dilapidated Mack in a wider area where the way ended. To its left stood a lush tree with massive red fruits. Jane felt something on her right calf. Turning back, she saw two eyes and a big black nose staring at her. She ran towards the tree, screaming and crying, circling around the tree trunk. Her hand was grazed as she climbed the tree, trying to save herself. She looked at her left hand. It looked like she had cut her wrist to commit suicide except the wound was horizontal and not vertical. The animal with the big nose sat by the tree, its tongue hanging, without making any sound.
 

Charlie Bernstein

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Is this correct and natural?

Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep, doing her best to keep her eyes on the dark road. She fumbled with the radio buttons to find a station, but high in the mountains, she only got screeching noises from the radio, which were interrupted by a beeping sound coming from the dashboard [STRIKE]display[/STRIKE]. A red stop light was blinking and the temperature gauge was stuck to the red hot part. Damn it! It must be the radiator. Stopping the car, she popped the hood, hearing a faint drip of water. She checked the radiator pipe and saw a small hole in it, wetting a metal bar beneath. The battery of her phone had died an hour ago, so she had to hope a passing driver would come to her rescue. There was an ugly concrete building on the other side of the road. I will wait for half an hour and then [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] check that building. Thirty minutes crawled by without one car passing the road. She mustered the courage to cross the road and check the building. The two sides of the road were separated by a narrow strip of trees, most of which looked dried out and weak. Even in the dark of night Jane could see their leaves had been blackened by years of soot from the passing cars.

The neck-high wall of the compound had been painted black[STRIKE] also[/STRIKE]. She jumped over it onto a narrow way [STRIKE]which was[/STRIKE] coated with a sticky layer of grime and waste[STRIKE]d[/STRIKE] motor oil. There was a dilapidated Mack in a wider area where the alley/path/ passage/walkway ended. To its left stood a lush tree with massive red fruits. Jane felt something on her right calf. Turning back, she saw two eyes and a big black nose staring at her. She ran towards the tree, screaming and crying, circling around the tree trunk. Her hand was grazed as she climbed the tree, trying to save herself. She looked at her left hand. It looked like she had slashed her wrist to commit suicide, except the wound was horizontal and not vertical. [Horizontal in relation to what? Maybe you should just skip the part about the direction of the cut. It doesn't really add anything to the action.] The animal with the big nose sat by the tree, its tongue hanging, without making any sound.
Hm. The animal didn't attack her. It nuzzled her. Why was she afraid of it?

This is good, though.
 
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alpacinou

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Hm. The animal didn't attack her. It nuzzled her. Why was she afraid of it?

This is good, though.

The animal was checking out its meal to see if it smells good before attacking. :)

The character is generally scared of animals.
 
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emsr2d2

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What's a "Mack", dilapidated or otherwise?
 

alpacinou

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What's a "Mack", dilapidated or otherwise?

Obviously, you are not a teamster, you are a teacher.:) A good one I might add.

f1ad52f9011cdc9643e00a71ca8d2144.jpg
 

Charlie Bernstein

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What's a "Mack", dilapidated or otherwise?
They're a popular make in the US, but we usually say Mack truck for some reason — unlike most other domestic makes, where we don't usually add the word truck.
 

alpacinou

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They're a popular make in the US, but we usually say Mack truck for some reason — unlike most other domestic makes, where we don't usually add the word truck.

How do I make sure my reader understands I mean a big truck like a Mack and not a smaller pickup truck like Ford?
I want to do this without mentioning brand names.
 

emsr2d2

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If you don't want to mention brand names, just call it a big/large dilapidated truck. Is the size really important?
 
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