Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,854

    Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    Is this correct and natural?

    Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep, doing her best to keep her eyes on the dark road. She fumbled with the radio buttons to find a station but high in the mountains, she only got screeching noises from the radio which were interrupted by a beeping sound coming from the dashboard display. A red stop sign was blinking and the temperature gauge was stuck to the red hot part. Damn it! It must be the radiator. Stopping the car, she popped the hood, hearing a faint drip of water. She checked the radiator pipe and saw a small hole in it, wetting a metal bar beneath. The battery of her phone had died an hour ago so she had to hope a passer would come to her rescue. There was an ugly concrete building on the other side of the road. I will wait for half an hour and then will check that building. Thirty minutes crawled by without one car passing the road. She mustered the courage to cross the road and check the building. The two sides of the road were separated by a narrow strip of trees most of which looked unwatered and weak. Even in the dark of night Jane could see their leaves had been blackened by years of soot from the passing cars.

    The neck-high wall of the compound had been painted black also. She jumped inside on a narrow way which was coated with a sticky layer of grime and wasted motor oil. There was a dilapidated Mack in a wider area where the way ended. To its left stood a lush tree with massive red fruits. Jane felt something on her right calf. Turning back, she saw two eyes and a big black nose staring at her. She ran towards the tree, screaming and crying, circling around the tree trunk. Her hand was grazed as she climbed the tree, trying to save herself. She looked at her left hand. It looked like she had cut her wrist to commit suicide except the wound was horizontal and not vertical. The animal with the big nose sat by the tree, its tongue hanging, without making any sound.

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    9,144

    Re: Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep, doing her best to keep her eyes on the dark road. She fumbled with the radio buttons to find a station, but high in the mountains, she only got screeching noises from the radio, which were interrupted by a beeping sound coming from the dashboard display. A red stop light was blinking and the temperature gauge was stuck to the red hot part. Damn it! It must be the radiator. Stopping the car, she popped the hood, hearing a faint drip of water. She checked the radiator pipe and saw a small hole in it, wetting a metal bar beneath. The battery of her phone had died an hour ago, so she had to hope a passing driver would come to her rescue. There was an ugly concrete building on the other side of the road. I will wait for half an hour and then will check that building. Thirty minutes crawled by without one car passing the road. She mustered the courage to cross the road and check the building. The two sides of the road were separated by a narrow strip of trees, most of which looked dried out and weak. Even in the dark of night Jane could see their leaves had been blackened by years of soot from the passing cars.

    The neck-high wall of the compound had been painted black also. She jumped over it onto a narrow way which was coated with a sticky layer of grime and wasted motor oil. There was a dilapidated Mack in a wider area where the alley/path/ passage/walkway ended. To its left stood a lush tree with massive red fruits. Jane felt something on her right calf. Turning back, she saw two eyes and a big black nose staring at her. She ran towards the tree, screaming and crying, circling around the tree trunk. Her hand was grazed as she climbed the tree, trying to save herself. She looked at her left hand. It looked like she had slashed her wrist to commit suicide, except the wound was horizontal and not vertical. [Horizontal in relation to what? Maybe you should just skip the part about the direction of the cut. It doesn't really add anything to the action.] The animal with the big nose sat by the tree, its tongue hanging, without making any sound.
    Hm. The animal didn't attack her. It nuzzled her. Why was she afraid of it?

    This is good, though.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 06-Apr-2021 at 20:51. Reason: Fixed typo
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,854

    Re: Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Hm. The animal didn't attack her. It nuzzled her. Why was she afraid of it?

    This is good, though.
    The animal was checking out its meal to see if it smells good before attacking.

    The character is generally scared of animals.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 06-Apr-2021 at 20:51. Reason: Fixed typo in quote

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    60,388

    Re: Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    What's a "Mack", dilapidated or otherwise?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. #5
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,854

    Re: Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    What's a "Mack", dilapidated or otherwise?
    Obviously, you are not a teamster, you are a teacher. A good one I might add.

    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	f1ad52f9011cdc9643e00a71ca8d2144.jpg 
Views:	3 
Size:	83.9 KB 
ID:	3990

  6. #6
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    9,144

    Re: Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    What's a "Mack", dilapidated or otherwise?
    They're a popular make in the US, but we usually say Mack truck for some reason — unlike most other domestic makes, where we don't usually add the word truck.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  7. #7
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    2,854

    Re: Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    They're a popular make in the US, but we usually say Mack truck for some reason — unlike most other domestic makes, where we don't usually add the word truck.
    How do I make sure my reader understands I mean a big truck like a Mack and not a smaller pickup truck like Ford?
    I want to do this without mentioning brand names.

  8. #8
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    60,388

    Re: Fighting exhaustion, Jane kept drifting in and out of sleep

    If you don't want to mention brand names, just call it a big/large dilapidated truck. Is the size really important?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •