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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Is this correct and natural?

    After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived. Taking off her shoes, she entered the house. They didn’t have a dining room. Their kitchen was at the corner of a small living room carpeted with an old, green rug. Her mom was in the kitchen, doing the dishes. “Where the hell have you been,” yelled Julia busy at the sink, washing a frying pan. “You are lucky your father isn’t home yet.” She turned her head and took a quick glance at Nicole, turned her head back towards the dishes, and back to Nicole again, staring at her with an open-mouth. She turned off the faucet and stepped towards her. Her tone changed when she looked at Nicole’s face. All the color had drained from her cheeks.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Without anything before it, saying "Nicole arrived" is odd. Say where she arrived. Who are "they"? You've missed a basic punctuation mark from Julia's first line. There shouldn't be a hyphen in "open mouth". It's not a compound adjective - it's an adjective and a noun. If you want the hyphen, say "... staring at her, open-mouthed".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived. Taking off her shoes, she entered the house. They didn’t have a dining room. Their kitchen was at the corner of a small living room carpeted with an old, green rug. Her mom was in the kitchen, doing the dishes. “Where the hell have you been?” yelled Julia, busy at the sink, washing a frying pan. “You're lucky your father isn’t home yet.” She turned her head and took a quick glance at Nicole, turned her head back towards the dishes, and back to Nicole again, staring at her with an open mouth. She turned off the faucet and stepped towards her. Her tone changed when she looked at Nicole’s face. All the color had drained from her cheeks.

    Pronoun confusion: Whose cheeks? The word had suggests Nicole's. The context suggests Julia's. Better spell it out.
    We can assume that the sink is where she's washing the frying pan.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  4. #4
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Thank you to two first-rate editors. I will fix the mistakes.

    I've added this. Is it okay?

    “Nicole, what happened?” asked Julia, her eyes darting up and down her daughter.

    What are some ways of expressing a situation where a person is looking another person and their eyes move up and down quickly?

  5. #5
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    She looked her over quickly.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. #6
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Is this also okay?

    “Nicole, what happened?” asked Julia, her eyes darting quickly up and down her daughter.

  7. #7
    tedmc is offline VIP Member
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    I don't think one can say "darting slowly".
    What do you mean by "her eyes darting up and down her daughter"?
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  8. #8
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Was the kitchen a separate room?

  9. #9
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    Was the kitchen a separate room?
    It was at the corner separated by a waist-high wall. Why?

  10. #10
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is online now VIP Member
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    Re: After walking for a few minutes, Nicole arrived.

    Separated from the rest of the apartment, I guess.
    Not a professional teacher

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