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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    John stepped into his boss's office.

    I want to say a person is scared of someone and then their fear subsides. I want that to be reflected in the way the person breathes and in his body language.

    Is this correct and natural sounding?

    John stepped into his boss's office. Mr Williams was an authoritative and commanding man, and John knew better than to ever disobey him. He was sitting behind his desk, nursing a cup of coffee.

    John walked towards him with hesitant steps. He then stopped, keeping a distance. Mr. Williams looked up. There was a calm melancholy in his eyes. "I know why you are here," he said with a commanding tone. "Why don't you tell me what it is that you want?"

    "I want the best for this company, sir."

    "Then why are you colluding with your girlfriend to take me down?"

    John’s heartbeat elevated. His hands moved to his elbows, cupping them. His breathing became quick and shallow. He gulped nervously before trying to answer. “That is not true sir,” he stammered.

    Mr Williams scrutinized his face as he cocked his head a little. “Are you sure?” he asked with a low voice.

    "Yes," said John with a submissive tone.

    "You know, you are a bunch of stupid kids. It's a shame. I had great hopes for you. You should really listen to people like me," he said with a righteous tone.

    Suddenly, John felt like he didn't care about his boss anymore. He didn't respect him. His shallow breaths gave way to deeper ones and his voice became steadier. His fast heartbeat slowed down a bit. He dropped his hands and his body loosened. He tilted his head to meet Mr. William's gaze. "You are finished Mr Williams."
    Last edited by alpacinoutd; 19-Apr-2021 at 15:20.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: John stepped into his boss's office.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    I want to say a person is scared of someone and then their fear subsides. I want that to be reflected in the way the person breathes and in his body language.

    Is this correct and natural sounding?

    John stepped into his boss's office. Mr Williams was an authoritative and commanding man, and John knew better than to ever disobey him. He was sitting at his desk drinking a cup of coffee.

    John walked towards him with hesitant steps. He then stopped, keeping a distance. Mr. Williams looked up. There was a calm melancholy in his eyes. "I know why you are here," he said with a commanding tone. "Why don't you tell me what it is that you want?"

    "I want the best for this company, sir."

    "Then why are you colluding with your girlfriend to take me down?"

    John’s heartbeat elevated. His hands moved to his elbows, cupping them. His breathing became quick and shallow. He gulped nervously before trying to answer. “That is not true sir,” he stammered.

    Mr Williams scrutinized his face as he cocked his head a little. “Are you sure?” he asked with a low voice.

    "Yes," said John with a submissive tone.

    "You know, you are a bunch of stupid kids. It's a shame. I had great hopes for you. You should really listen to people like me," he said with a righteous tone.

    Suddenly, John wasn't afraid of his boss anymore. He didn't respect him. His shallow breaths gave way to deeper ones and his voice became steadier. His fast heartbeat slowed down a bit. He dropped his hands, and his body loosened. He tilted his head to meet Mr. William's gaze. "You are finished, Mr Williams."
    A surprise ending. I like that.
    Not a professional teacher

  3. #3
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is online now VIP Member
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    Re: John stepped into his boss's office.

    Yes, put commas before sir and Mr Williams.

    Willams would probably say you're, not you are.

    The only thing I wonder about is where Williams says, "I know why you are here, . . . Why don't you tell me what it is that you want?"

    If he knows why, then why does he ask?
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  4. #4
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
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    Re: John stepped into his boss's office.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    He was sitting behind his desk, nursing a cup of coffee.
    That seems fine to me.

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