[Grammar] Please help me to correct this letter. Thanks

[Saupriya]

The General Manager
XXXXXXXX

Through: Proper Channel

Dear Sir,

Re: Request for extension of my temporary transfer to Home District region

With reference to the above and my previous application dated XXXXXXX, I would like to inform you that I am suffering from B/L Radiculopathy (Spinal disorder), Disc bulging and related complications since past few months. The illness still persists causing severe pain and stiffness in back and lower part of the body.

I am undergoing treatment for the same by Dr. XXXXXXX (M.S. Ortho, XXXXXX) for the same. The doctor has advised medication along with physiotherapy, physical exercises and proper rest for relief from pain and has suggested to avoid prolonged sitting, driving etc.

I would also like to bring to your kind notice that in these difficult times arising out of COVID-19 pandemic, I am facing immense difficulty in getting timely medical care. Further there is no one in my family who can look after me at XXXXXXX and I am presently not in a condition to live alone and manage my treatment on my own.

Looking into my health issues, I would therefore humbly request you to consider my application on the basis of the reasons I provided for extension of my temporary transfer to home District region.

Thanking you.

Yours sincerely,

XXXXXXXXX


Enclosed
Copy of doctor's prescription and medical reports

 

[TheParser]

NOT A TEACHER

1. No one has answered yet, so may I start the ball rolling? ( = May I be the first one to reply?)

2. If this letter were going to an American executive, I think s/he would find it too detailed.

3. Americans like to cut to the chase ( = quickly tell the important point).

4. Americans are uncomfortable with excessive humility. Don't talk about "your kind notice" and "humbly request."

5. Don't waste his time with phrases like "I would like to inform you." Just inform him.

6. I know the following is too brief, but I feel it would be more effective in getting the executive's attention.


Dear Mr. Smith:

I am still suffering severe pain in the back and lower parts of my body.

My doctor has recommended physical therapy and rest.

I am unable to live alone and manage my treatment.

I would appreciate, therefore, an extension of my current assignment to the Home District region.


Sincerely yours,

John Doe

Enclosed are several medical reports.