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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Jack needed to go to the bathroom. There was a toilet with glass walls in the corner of the yard. He was standing by the toilet, relieving himself when he heard a zap and then the glass shattered, splinters of it raining down on him. He pulled his pants up, leapt out of the glass cubicle and pressed himself against a brick wall. The person shooting from outside kept unleashing a barrage of bullets, sending shards of glass and concrete and brick flying into the air. A sudden quiet fell over. Jack slowly peeked his head above the wall and saw a big man with a rifle. He lowered his head and heard the clatter of metal as the shooter changed the magazine. Then he heard the bolt handle being pulled and bullets started flying in the air again. Fear seized every muscle inside Jack's body and he found himself unable to move, listening to the cacophony of broken glass hitting the floor, bullets ricocheting off the brick wall, and brass shell casings falling on the asphalt outside. Thinking about his daughter, Jack summoned every ounce of strength he could and started moving. He squatted down, lay in prone position and started crawling away from the wall. His elbows were stung with shards of broken glass as kept dragging himself out of danger. The shooting stopped again. Jack heard the crunch of footsteps on broken glass, tilted his head up and saw two men cradling massive rifles.


    I specifically need some words for the sounds that are produced as a result of glass being broken and its shards hitting the floor.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    I only got as far as the second sentence before being stopped in my tracks by the thought of a toilet with glass walls!!!!! Generally, toilets should offer privacy.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I only got as far as the second sentence before being stopped in my tracks by the thought of a toilet with glass walls!!!!! Generally, toilets should offer privacy.
    You are right. But I explain in another part that this is a sort of a makeshift clinic in the middle of a war zone, and they made that toilet with matte glass. To avoid confusion here, I change wall to window:

    Jack needed to go to the bathroom. There was a toilet with thick glass windows in the corner of the yard. He was standing by the toilet, relieving himself when he heard a zap and then the glass shattered, splinters of it raining down on him. He pulled his pants up, leapt out of the toilet and pressed himself against a brick wall. The person shooting from outside kept unleashing a barrage of bullets, sending shards of glass and concrete and brick flying into the air. A sudden quiet fell over. Jack slowly peeked his head above the wall and saw a big man with a rifle. He lowered his head and heard the clatter of metal as the shooter changed the magazine. Then he heard the bolt handle being pulled and bullets started flying in the air again. Fear seized every muscle inside Jack's body and he found himself unable to move, listening to the cacophony of broken glass hitting the floor, bullets ricocheting off the brick wall, and brass shell casings falling on the asphalt outside. Thinking about his daughter, Jack summoned every ounce of strength he could and started moving. He squatted down, lay in prone position and started crawling away from the wall. His elbows were stung with shards of broken glass as kept dragging himself out of danger. The shooting stopped again. Jack heard the crunch of footsteps on broken glass, tilted his head up and saw two men cradling massive rifles.

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    You are right. But I explain in another part that this is a sort of a makeshift clinic in the middle of a war zone, and they made that toilet with matte glass. To avoid confusion here, I change wall to window:

    Jack needed to go to the bathroom. There was a toilet with thick glass windows in the corner of the yard. He was standing by the toilet, relieving himself when he heard a zap and then the glass shattered, splinters of it raining down on him.

    There's a phrase that has a comma on one side but not the other. It should either have no commas or commas on either side. This is also a compound sentence, and their parts should always be separated by commas.


    He pulled his pants up, leapt out of the toilet and pressed himself against a brick wall. The person shooting from outside unleashed a barrage/kept unleashing barrages of bullets, sending shards of glass and concrete and brick flying into the air. A sudden quiet fell over. Jack slowly peeked his head above the wall and saw a big man with a rifle. He lowered his head and heard the clatter of metal as the shooter changed the magazine. Then he heard the bolt handle being pulled and bullets started flying in the air again.

    Compound sentence again: comma, please!

    Fear seized every muscle in Jack's body and he found himself unable to move, listening to the cacophony of broken glass hitting the floor, bullets ricocheting off the brick wall, and brass shell casings falling on the asphalt outside.

    About the so-called Oxford comma: Either use them or don't. In that sentence you used one. But in the sentence beginning "He pulled his pants up," you didn't. Be consistent.

    Thinking about his daughter, Jack summoned every ounce of strength he could and started moving. He squatted down, lay in prone position and started crawling away from the wall.

    The Oxford comma was missing from that sentence. Be consistent.


    His elbows were stung with shards of broken glass as he dragged himself out of danger. The shooting stopped again. Jack heard the crunch of footsteps on broken glass, tilted his head up and saw two men cradling massive rifles.
    Tight spot!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  5. #5
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    He was standing at the urinal.

    The shooting stopped, and it was quiet all of a sudden.
    Not a professional teacher

  6. #6
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    jutfrank is online now VIP Member
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    Not one of Jack's more successful visits to the toilet, then.

  7. #7
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    What does a massive rifle look like?
    Not a professional teacher

  8. #8
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    What does a massive rifle look like?
    Like a large rifle but bigger?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  9. #9
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Jack needed to go to the bathroom.

    Alpa likes adjectives.
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