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  1. #1
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk

    Is this correct and natural?

    Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk. The late fall air was crisp and a tender breeze hummed through the treetops as he walked towards the the Hungerford Bridge. He strolled along the ledge of the bridge, stopping to take in the view, leaning forward against the railings. The low sun sparkled off ribbons of Thames, tinting a strip of clouds with an orange glimmer. Joe felt as though the fall in the outside world merged with the bleak autumn in his soul. The London Eye was an orange silhouette against the sky, towering over Big Ben. Joe turned his head and saw an elongated shadow getting closer to him. A tall man with a gray trench coat walked towards him, drew a pistol out and aimed at Joe. Joe's heart dropped in his stomach, and he gulped nervously. The tall man smiled and ran away without shooting.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk

    Quote Originally Posted by alpacinoutd View Post
    Is this correct and natural?

    Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk. The late fall air was crisp and a tender light breeze hummed through the treetops as he walked towards the the Hungerford Bridge. He strolled along the ledge side of the bridge, stopping to take in the view, leaning forward against the railings. The low sun sparkled off the ribbons of The Thames, tinting a strip of clouds with an orange glimmer glow. Joe felt as though the fall in the outside world had merged/was merging with the bleak autumn one in his soul. The London Eye was an orange silhouette against the sky, towering over Big Ben. Joe turned his head and saw an elongated a long shadow getting closer to coming towards/approaching him. A tall man with in/wearing a gray trench coat walked towards him, drew a pistol out [from his pocket] and aimed it at Joe. Joe's heart dropped in to his stomach, and he gulped nervously. The tall man smiled and ran away without shooting.
    See above. Don't mix "fall" and "autumn". I can't remember if you're concentrating on BrE or AmE, but if it's BrE, use "autumn" and "grey"; if it's AmE, use "fall" and "gray".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    alpacinoutd is offline Key Member
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    Re: Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    See above. Don't mix "fall" and "autumn". I can't remember if you're concentrating on BrE or AmE, but if it's BrE, use "autumn" and "grey"; if it's AmE, use "fall" and "gray".

    Great editing as always.

    One thing: why can't I say "elongated shadow"?

  4. #4
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk

    Actually, autumn is okay in the US. It's true that we probably use fall more, but autumn wouldn't sound strange there.

    There's nothing wrong with elongated, but it doesn't really add to the story. Be parsimonious with multisyllabic locutions.

    PS — I see a compound sentence that wants a comma.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  5. #5
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    Actually, autumn is okay in the US. It's true that we probably use fall more, but autumn wouldn't sound strange there.
    I still think it sounds strange to use both in one piece but, more particularly, both in one sentence.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  6. #6
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Later that afternoon, Joe left the hotel for a walk

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I still think it sounds strange to use both in one piece but, more particularly, both in one sentence.
    Yes, it does. Good point.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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