[Essay] Please have a look on my IELTS Writing Task 1 (I'm a self learner)

[Midori.Wannabe]

Link to the Pie chart: https://www.ielts-simon.com/.a/6a0120a5bb05d8970c015392ea56f7970b-pi

The pie charts illustrate the percentages of carbohydrates, protein and fat in three major kinds of diet which are average diet, healthy diet and healthy diet for sport.

As an overall trend, it is obvious that carbohydrates are the dominance of the three nutrients. By contrast, fat only takes a small amount in total.

As presented in the charts, carbohydrates are consumed the most in healthy diet for sport players, taking up 60 percent, followed by healthy diet and average diet, accounting for 50 percent and 40 percent respectively.

Protein plays the second important role in the three diets. Protein in food for average diet takes the largest amount, at 40 percent compared to 30 percent of protein in healthy diet, while only a quarter of protein consumed by sport players. There is a similar in the consumption of fat in average diet and healthy diet, which is 20 percent of each, whereas the ratio of fat in healthy diet for sport is only 15 percent.

166 words

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Link to the Pie chart: https://www.ielts-simon.com/.a/6a0120a5bb05d8970c015392ea56f7970b-pi

The pie charts illustrate the percentages of carbohydrates, protein and fat in three major kinds of diet which are average diet, healthy diet and healthy diet for sports.

As an overall trend, it is obvious that carbohydrates are the dominant of the three nutrients. By contrast, fat only represents a small amount of the total.

As presented in the charts, more carbohydrates are consumed [STRIKE]the most[/STRIKE] in healthy diets for sport players, taking up sixty percent, followed by healthy diets and average diets, accounting for fifty percent and forty percent respectively.

Protein plays the second most important role in the three diets. Protein in food for average diets represents the largest amount, at forty percent, compared to thirty percent of protein in healthy diets, while only a quarter of [STRIKE]protein consumed by[/STRIKE] sport players diets is protein. There is [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] similar average fat [STRIKE]in the[/STRIKE] consumption [STRIKE]of fat[/STRIKE] in [STRIKE]average[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]diet[/STRIKE] and healthy diets, [STRIKE]which is[/STRIKE] twenty percent [STRIKE]of each[/STRIKE], whereas the proportion of fat in healthy diets for sport is only 1fifeen percent.

166 words

You can also write 20%, 50%, and so on.

 

[tedmc]

The pie charts illustrate the percentages of carbohydrates, protein and fat in three major kinds of diet which are average diet, healthy diet and healthy diet for sports.

I think the underlined parts should be capitalized/italicised/put in inverted commas, since they are terms coined by the writer.

As an overall trend, it is obvious that carbohydrates are the dominance of the three nutrients (diets). By contrast, fat only takes (constitutes)a small amount in total.

.

 

[5jj]

The pie charts illustrate the percentages of carbohydrates, protein and fat in three major kinds of diet which are average diet, healthy diet and healthy diet for sports.

I think the underlined parts should be capitalized/italicised/put in inverted commas, since they are terms coined by the writer.

They are not terms coined by the writer.

As an overall trend, it is obvious that carbohydrates are the dominance of the three nutrients (diets).

Carbohydrates, fats and proteins are not diets.

 

[tedmc]

They are not terms coined by the writer.


Carbohydrates, fats and proteins are not diets.

There are no standard, consistent, universallt accepted definitions of those terms. It is up to the writer.

 

[tedmc]

They are not terms coined by the writer.

There are no standard, consistent, universally accepted definitions of those terms (try googling). It is up to the writer

Carbohydrates, fats and proteins are not diets.

Okay, they are the components of diets of which carbohydrates are the most dominant.

 

[teechar]

And...

[STRIKE]There is a similar in[/STRIKE] The consumption of fat in the average diet and the healthy diet is the same, [STRIKE]which is[/STRIKE] at 20 percent [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] in each, whereas the [STRIKE]ratio[/STRIKE] proportion of fat in the healthy diet for sport is only 15 percent.

When we use "ratio", we typically state the two components of it. For example, we might say "The ratio of fats to carbohydrates is 20%".

 

[5jj]

There are no standard, consistent, universally accepted definitions of those terms (try googling). It is up to the writer.

What has that got to do with anything?

 

[tedmc]

What has that got to do with anything?

Those are the writer's own versions and definitions of the terms, which is why I don't consider them as common nouns.

 

[5jj]

Those are the writer's own versions and definitions of the terms,

They are not. They are labels used for pie charts that the writer is attempting to write about.

 

[tedmc]

They are not. They are labels used for pie charts that the writer is attempting to write about.

The pie charts are drawn and used by the writer to present his/her own ideas of the composition of the various diets and not necessarily what is accepted as the norm.

 

[5jj]

The pie charts are drawn and used by the writer .

Really? It's just a coincidence that they can be found all over the internet then?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/task-1-ielts-writing-band-9-pie-chart-joseph-mason-龙的建造者-