IELTS writing II: Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a

[Maybo]

I have chosen an IELTS practice writing topic. Please check the essay and correct any mistakes.

Topic: Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that high school programmes should include compulsory volunteering service, such as teaching or helping our neighbourhood. However, I disagree with this idea, because it could discourage students to help others and add burden to students.

Those compulsory volunteering services may exhaust students and make them feel anxious. Students nowadays have a lot of homework to do and many of them have to take extra tutoring classes to improve their academic results, especially senior students, because some of them want to get into a good university. If the volunteering services are mandatory, it reduces their study time and they may be worried that they don’t have enough time to study. What is worse, it makes some students stay up late to work on their homework, which affects their health.

Some low-income students want to do part-time jobs to earn money during high school. If they have to spend extra time to do volunteering jobs, they will have difficult to live and have very limited time to study. Some may therefore be tired of doing free jobs, and treat them as troublesome works which cannot benefit our society. As they may grow hatred for this, they will not do any similar things in future when they have graduated. Also, if those students cannot earn their living, they will require more subsidy from schools or the government.

In conclusion, I think making unpaid community service compulsory does not benefit our students and society, because it affects students’ study and discourage them from doing helpful work in future.

 

[tedmc]

I have chosen an IELTS practice writing topic. Please check the essay and correct any mistakes.

Topic: Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that high school programmes should include compulsory volunteering service, such as teaching or [STRIKE]helping our neighbourhood[/STRIKE] doing community work. However, I disagree with this idea, because it could discourage students to help others and add burden to students.

[STRIKE]Those [/STRIKE] Compulsory volunteering services may [STRIKE]exhaust students[/STRIKE] place an unnecessary physical demand on students and make them feel anxious (stressed). Students nowadays have a lot of homework to do and many of them have to take extra [STRIKE]tutoring[/STRIKE] tuition classes to improve their academic results, especially senior students, because some of them want to get into a good university. If [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] volunteering services are made mandatory, it reduces their study time and they may be worried that they [STRIKE]don’t [/STRIKE] would not have enough time to study. What is worse, it [STRIKE]makes[/STRIKE] may make [STRIKE]some[/STRIKE] students stay up late to work on their homework, which affect[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] their health.

Some [STRIKE]low-income[/STRIKE] students from poor families [STRIKE]want[/STRIKE] need to do part-time jobs to earn money during high school. If they have to spend extra time to do volunteering [STRIKE]jobs[/STRIKE] work, they will have difficulty to live (?)and have very limited time to study. Some may [STRIKE]therefore [/STRIKE] not be keen [STRIKE]tired of[/STRIKE] on doing [STRIKE]free jobs[/STRIKE] unpaid work, and treat them as [STRIKE]troublesome works[/STRIKE] something burdensome which [STRIKE]cannot benefit our society[/STRIKE] is of no benefit. As they [STRIKE]may grow hatred for this[/STRIKE] develop a dislike for the work, they [STRIKE]will not do any similar things[/STRIKE] would likely be averse to such undertakings [STRIKE]in future when they have graduated[/STRIKE] later in life. Also, if those students [STRIKE]cannot earn their living[/STRIKE] are prevented from earning part-time income, they will require more subsidy [STRIKE]from schools [/STRIKE]or the government to subsist.

In conclusion, I think making [STRIKE]unpaid [/STRIKE] voluntary community service compulsory does not benefit [STRIKE]our[/STRIKE] students and society (no comma) because it [STRIKE]affects[/STRIKE] could affect students’ study and discourage them from doing [STRIKE]helpful[/STRIKE] similar work in future I (later in life).

.

 

[emsr2d2]

We encourage people to do something.
We discourage people from doing something.

 

[teechar]

Hi Maybo, and excuse me if I've already asked you this (I can't remember), but when are you planning to sit for IELTS?

 

[Maybo]

Hi Maybo, and excuse me if I've already asked you this (I can't remember), but when are you planning to sit for IELTS?

In January or February.

 

[teechar]

OK, here are some comments:
1- It is considered weak to just regurgitate (rephrase) the given question and make that the introduction.
2- You should use linking devices (words/phrases) to connect your paragraphs and make the text flow better.
3- In a discussion/argumentative essay, you need to take a clear position and to indicate that position in the last sentence of the introduction.
4- Focus on expressing your ideas clearly instead of on trying to impress the examiner with complex sentences.
5- Try to give an example or two to convince/persuade the examiner.
6- Do not use contractions in formal writing [ e.g. "don't":cross: "do not":tick: ]
7- Always go over your writing before you submit it. That allows you to catch common/silly mistakes and typos.

You might want to take a look at my reply in the following thread to learn about essay structure.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayAgreeDisagreeYoungEnjoyLife-Older/bjnlwx/post.htm

Revise your essay and repost it below.

 

[Maybo]

This is my revised version.

These days, many students only focus on academic study but neglect the importance of being a good citizen. It is believed that high school students are mature enough to contribute to our society by participating voluntary jobs. Some people argue that high school programmes should include compulsory volunteering service, such as teaching or doing community work. However, I disagree on compulsory volunteering service, because it could discourage students from helping others and add burden to students.


To begin with, compulsory volunteering service may place an unnecessary physical demand on students and make them feel stressed. Students nowadays have a lot of homework to do and many of them have to take extra tuition classes to improve their academic results, especially senior students, because some of them want to get into a good university. If the volunteering services are made mandatory, it reduces their study time and they may be worried that they would not have enough time to study. When I was at secondary school, I needed to sell flags on the streets for fundraising. It was summer, and I really felt hot and exhausted. It took me a day to do the job and that made me stay up late to work on my homework.


As for some students from poor families, the compulsory programme adds to their financial burden and discouragement of helping others. They need to do part-time jobs to earn money during high school. If they have to spend extra time to do volunteering work, they will have difficulty living and have very limited time to study. Some may not be keen on doing unpaid work and treat them as something burdensome which is of no benefit. As they develop a dislike for the work, they would likely be averse to such undertakings later in life. Also, if those students are prevented from earning part-time income, they will require more subsidy or the government to subsist.


In conclusion, I disagree with making voluntary community service compulsory because it could affect students’ study and discourage them from doing similar work later in life.

 

[teechar]

These days, many students only focus on academic study but neglect the importance of being a good citizen. [STRIKE]It is believed that high school students are mature enough to contribute to our society by participating voluntary jobs.[/STRIKE] [ 1] Thus, some people argue that high school programmes should include compulsory [STRIKE]volunteering service,[/STRIKE] voluntary activities, such as teaching or doing community work, to counter that phenomenon. However, I disagree [ 2] with that position for several reasons. [STRIKE]on compulsory volunteering service, because it could discourage students from helping others and add burden to students[/STRIKE]. [ 3]

To begin with, compulsory volunteering service may place an unnecessary physical demand on students and make them feel stressed. Students nowadays have a lot of homework to do and many of them, especially those in high school, have to take extra tuition classes to improve their academic results, [STRIKE]especially senior students,[/STRIKE] because some of them want to get into a good university. [STRIKE]If the volunteering services are made[/STRIKE] Therefore, making voluntary activities mandatory [STRIKE], it[/STRIKE] reduces their study time and may well impact their academic performance. [STRIKE]they may be worried that they would not have enough time to study.[/STRIKE] When I was [STRIKE]at[/STRIKE] in secondary school, I [STRIKE]needed to sell flags on the streets for[/STRIKE] once had to put up some posters to raise funds for a charity organization. [STRIKE]fundraising.[/STRIKE] It was summer, and I really felt hot and exhausted. It took me a day to do the job and that made me stay up late to [STRIKE]work on[/STRIKE] do my homework.

[STRIKE]As[/STRIKE] [ 4] Moreover, for some students from poor families, [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] such compulsory programmes [ 5] can add to their financial burden and actually discourage [STRIKE]ment of[/STRIKE] them from helping others. [STRIKE]They[/STRIKE] Those students often need to [STRIKE]do[/STRIKE] take part-time jobs to earn money during high school. If they have to spend extra time to do [STRIKE]volunteering[/STRIKE] voluntary work, they will have difficulty [STRIKE]living[/STRIKE] keeping their jobs and have very limited time to study. [ 4] In fact, some may even [STRIKE]not be keen on doing unpaid[/STRIKE] start to dislike voluntary work and treat [STRIKE]them[/STRIKE] it as something burdensome which is of no benefit. [STRIKE]As they develop a dislike for the work,[/STRIKE] [ 4] Therefore, they would likely be averse to [STRIKE]such[/STRIKE] undertaking such work later in life. Also, if those students are prevented from earning part-time income, they will require more subsidies [STRIKE][ 5][/STRIKE] [STRIKE]or the[/STRIKE] from their families or the government. [STRIKE]to subsist.[/STRIKE]

In conclusion, I disagree with making voluntary community service compulsory for students because it could [STRIKE]affect students’ study[/STRIKE] negatively impact their academic results and discourage them from doing similar work later in life.

[ 1]: There is no need for that sentence. All you needed was a linking device.
[ 2]: We disagree with (not on) someone/something.
[ 3]: Do not include specifics in the introduction. Such details belong in the conclusion.
[ 4]: Note the linking device.
[ 5]: When we talk about something in general (not about a specific instance of it), we use the plural (if it's countable).