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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner

    • Join Date: Dec 2006
    • Posts: 1

    Help Me Correct My Essay? Please?

    Hello. I have a personal essay due in my english class, and I need help with structure and grammar. I would love it if anyone has any suggestions! ^-^

    The Assignment was: When you look back over this semester and compare/contrast the person you were then to the person you are now, what significant changes have occured? (Essay should focus on what changes you have noticed in yourself, how they came about, and what those changes suggest abuot the kind of person you are becoming).


    Oftentimes in life, changes occur when people take the time to look more deeply at themselves and the world around them. These self-discoveries, while not necessarily meaning change themselves, fuel the fires for change by broadening understanding or presenting new view points. The more that someone can discover about themselves and understand about themselves, the easier it is to understand and accept others for who and what they are. Therefore, self-discoveries lead to awareness and understanding of many things outside of the self as well as in the self. This makes exploring the self not only beneficial, but necessary. (<---I can't decide where to put this paragraph. Any ideas?)

    When I stumbled into my first class at Lipscomb University, I was a bumbling and frightened freshman without a single clue about college life. My best friend had just moved away to go to Austin Peay, and I felt genuinely alone and deserted. I wasnít ready to accept others into my life because I was slightly afraid of people. I even doubted why I came here in the first place. I didnít believe that I could do anything great or be anyone at all. I even started to question my own dreams. I really needed a change. (<---On this paragraph, I need help thinking of other ways to start the sentences besides with I's. Any suggestions?)

    Over the course of this semester, many facets of my life have changed. I have not only grown as a student, but as a human being. While I have not changed completely from the person I was when I stumbled into my first college class, the ways in which I have changed helped me to evolve into a better person. The most significant changes that Iíve undergone were brought about by different self-discoveries over this semester.

    Before I started college, I believed that a majority of the people in the world were cruel. I disassociated myself with people to protect myself from their cruel nature. In turn, I felt extremely alone and abandoned by mankind when it was really me who was distancing myself from them to begin with. Over this semester, I have realized that people arenít as bad I tended to think they were. In fact, many people are willing to help me and befriend me. About mid-October as I was leaving the parking lot of Fanning, the battery in my jeep died. This was the first time I had ever had car trouble, and I was shocked to say the least when my jeep started to roll backwards down the hill even though I had the brake on. Fortunately for me, two girls whom I had never met before stopped to help me push the jeep into a parking space and offered to stay with me. Their actions flabbergasted me because they were completely opposite of what I had been trying to convince myself all along. It was then that I realized maybe all this time, I had been the cruel one by pushing people away. This discovery led me to attempt to open up more. I started to tear down all the walls that I had built around myself for so long. I was finally free; no longer encaged in the fortress I had surrounded myself in. I could finally give up my air of paranoia, and attempt to make friends which I shall continue to do throughout my life.

    At the start of this semester, I didnít believe in myself. The dreams I once had started to crack under the weight of my disbelief. My second self-discovery came in the form of a little girl at the play ďSnoopy.Ē During the intermission, this girl hurried to get on the stage and pretend like she was an actress in a play. She proceeded to sing and dance, never worrying about the fact that everyone was watching her. This girl believed that she could be an actress. Honestly and sincerely, she believed in herself against greater odds than I ever had to face. She caused me to question why I was losing belief in myself and my dreams. I discovered that it was own weakness that allowed me to lose my determination. If she could believe in herself, than I could believe in myself. Since that moment, I havenít doubted my ability to achieve my dreams once because if I work hard enough, I can do anything. My future seems a lot brighter now because of my new-found determination, and I feel that I shall succeed if I try.

    This summer, I felt very small in relation to the world. Chaos seemed to erupt from every country. Wars raged; people died. The world was falling apart, but I felt that there was no way someone as small as me could change the world. I felt that I was just one person. What can one person really do? My third self discovery evolved from a forced Bible project in which the class was required to complete five hours of community service. I chose to work off my five hours at Mayfield Health and Rehab, a small nursing home close to Smyrna. The volunteer director assigned me to painting fingernails, a daunting task for a girl with no idea about cosmetics. To my surprise and delight, the residents did not care that I managed to paint entire fingers pink while trying to paint a single nail. The residents just seemed to enjoy the company more than anything else. I then realized that even though I was small and insignificant that didnít mean that I couldnít be a source of significance in a single personís life. If I can help just one person, than Iím not so insignificant after all. Even if I canít stop wars, I can ease lonliness and touch hearts that really need the attention.
    All of these self-discoveries have led to changes, large and small, but every single change represents another step towards growing into a better person. While many of the qualities I walked into my first college class with still exist, I am a better, more confident individual. I now know, as I didnít then, that I can make friends, achieve great things, and ultimately change the world, even if itís just a little change. I have nothing to fear as I continue my walk towards the future, and I can only hope that many more changes occur.

    Thank you so much for reading this essay. Any ideas or corrections? I know it isn't very good at the moment, and I've love to improve it if I can.

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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      • American English
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    • Join Date: Feb 2003
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    Re: Help Me Correct My Essay? Please?

    I would delete the first paragraph.

    Rather than saying "I disassociated myself with people" I would say "I avoided people".

    Why is changing the world important?

    All in all, it's pretty good.


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