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  1. -MeeMz-'s Avatar

    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 8
    #1

    Question Hi, can you correct my short story

    It suppose to have introduction, body, and conclusion


    It was a cold stormy night. It was very late. My friend Nadia and I were rushing home.

    On the way home, we spoted a black cat with ared collar around her nick, We thought it was lost and it is belonged to someone. Nadia tried to take her, but it ran away, I convinced Nadia to follow that cat. We did. It led us to an old house with an old fence, dead tree, and bats just flying everywhere. I was scared to death, the place looked as if it was a cemetery. We walked slowly and close to each other. Finally, we reached to the door in short time.but it felt like forever.

    When we got there, I absolutely refused to open the door. Nadia said:" It is your idea in the first place to follow that cat! And you refuse to go through with this!!". Therefore, I took a deep breath. I reached to the door knob, I was extremely horrified. I opened the door. It ws dark. We stood at the doorstep, staring, our eyes were wide open. Suddenly, we heard someone whispering, we couldn't figure out what it was saying. We entered. Waliking slowly scared to death. Then, this whisper turned into a giggle. I stood motionless, I looked at Nadia she were pale as if her blood stopped flouting through her vains. I tried to talk, but I couldn't, Nadia understood my signals. We rushed eagerly to the door. Finally were out od the this crazy house.

    When Nadia and I got out of this house, lights were flashing someone was screaming. Then. we realized that we entered a movie set and the cat was part of the act!.


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,398
    #2

    Re: Hi, can you correct my short story

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    It suppose to have introduction, body, and conclusion


    It was a cold stormy night. It was very late. My friend Nadia and I were rushing home.

    On the way home, we spotted a black cat with a red collar around her neck We thought it ["her" in the previous sentence] was lost and it is belonged to someone. Nadia tried to take her, but it [must be the same - either "her" or "it"] ran away, I convinced Nadia to follow that cat. We did. It led us to an old house with an old fence, dead tree, and bats just flying everywhere. I was scared to death, the place looked as if it was a cemetery. We walked slowly and close to each other. Finally, we reached to the door in a short time, but it felt like forever.

    When we got there, I absolutely refused to open the door. Nadia said:" It is your idea in the first place to follow that cat! And you refuse to go through with this!!". [no full stop needed here] Therefore, I took a deep breath. I reached to the door knob, I was extremely horrified [frightened]. I opened the door. It was dark. We stood at the doorstep, staring, our eyes were wide open. Suddenly, we heard someone whispering, we couldn't figure out what it was saying. We entered. Walking slowly, scared to death. Then, this whisper turned into a giggle. I stood motionless, I looked at Nadia. She was as pale as if her blood stopped flowing through her veins. I tried to talk, but I couldn't, Nadia understood my signals. We rushed eagerly to the door. Finally we were out of this crazy house.

    When Nadia and I got out of this house, lights were flashing and someone was screaming. Then we realized that we had entered a movie set and the cat was part of the act!.
    Nice little tale! Its construction is fine.

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    • Join Date: Feb 2003
    • Posts: 16,546
    #3

    Re: Hi, can you correct my short story

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    It suppose to have introduction, body, and conclusion
    It's supposed to have an introduction, body, and conclusion.

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    It was a cold stormy night. It was very late. My friend Nadia and I were rushing home.
    It was a cold and stormy night....
    Rushing home from what? To what purpose?

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    On the way home, we spoted a black cat with ared collar around her nick,


    On the way home we spotted a black cat with a red collar around its neck.

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    We thought it was lost and it is belonged to someone. Nadia tried to take her, but it ran away, I convinced Nadia to follow that cat. We did. It led us to an old house with an old fence, dead tree, and bats just flying everywhere. I was scared to death, the place looked as if it was a cemetery. We walked slowly and close to each other. Finally, we reached to the door in short time.but it felt like forever.


    We thought it was lost and that it was....

    Nadia tried to pick it up....
    How did you convince Nadia to follow the cat?

    Were the bats just flying everywhere or were they flying just everywhere?

    You don't use the word "Finally" unless a long time has passed. Also, no door ("the door") had been mentioned previously.



    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    When we got there, I absolutely refused to open the door.


    "When we got there" doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit with the previous sentence. Also, a person doesn't refuse to do something unless he has been asked to do it.

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    Nadia said:" It is your idea in the first place to follow that cat!


    Nadia said, "It was your idea to follow that cat.
    The relevance of that escapes me.

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    And you refuse to go through with this!!". Therefore, I took a deep breath. I reached to the door knob, I was extremely horrified. I opened the door. It ws dark. We stood at the doorstep, staring, our eyes were wide open. Suddenly, we heard someone whispering, we couldn't figure out what it was saying. We entered. Waliking slowly scared to death. Then, this whisper turned into a giggle. I stood motionless, I looked at Nadia she were pale as if her blood stopped flouting through her vains. I tried to talk, but I couldn't, Nadia understood my signals. We rushed eagerly to the door. Finally were out od the this crazy house.
    ?

    Quote Originally Posted by -MeeMz- View Post
    When Nadia and I got out of this house, lights were flashing someone was screaming. Then. we realized that we entered a movie set and the cat was part of the act!.
    When Nadia and I got out of the house lights were flashing and someone was screaming. Then we realized that we had stumbled upon a movie set and that the cat was part of the movie.
    Rewrite!

    ~R

  3. -MeeMz-'s Avatar

    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 8
    #4

    Re: Hi, can you correct my short story

    thank you very much

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