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  1. Volcano1985's Avatar
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      • Native Language:
      • Turkish
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      • Turkey
      • Current Location:
      • Turkey

    • Join Date: Jul 2006
    • Posts: 928
    #1

    Help For The Poem...

    Anyone can check this for mistakes...


    I heard that you had forgotten the colour of my eyes
    It was just a waste for the tears that came from my eyes for you.
    My head which was burning with your love once
    I wish i could put it to the stones instead of your knees

    Where!!! I was the seven colours, Where!!! i was the soul in your body.
    Where!!! I was the seven colours, Where!!! i was the soul in your body.
    Where!!! I was your image in the evening, Where!!! i was your dream at night.
    So the love was a lie for you.
    I feel sorry for the most beautiful years that were wasted.

  2. curmudgeon's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Help For The Poem...

    Quote Originally Posted by Volcano1985 View Post
    Anyone can check this for mistakes...


    I heard you had forgotten the colour of my eyes
    It was such a waste, the tears I cried for you.
    My head was once burning with your love
    Now I wish i could put it on the stones instead of on your knee

    Where!!! I was the seven colours, Where!!! Iwas the soul in your body.
    Where!!! I was the seven colours, Where!!!I was the soul in your body.
    Where!!! I was your image in the evening, Where!!! I was your dream at night.
    So the love was a lie for you...
    I feel sorrow for those beautiful years that I wasted.
    V. Good!!

  3. Volcano1985's Avatar
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      • Native Language:
      • Turkish
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      • Turkey
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    #3

    Re: Help For The Poem...

    Thank you very much mate

    Did you like the poem?

  4. #4

    Re: Help For The Poem...

    I liked your poem and I can see that you are struggling with a memory that could be seen as time wasted.

    As the theme is one of time past instead of using the word Where you may wish to use the word Once. This gives both a historical context and a sense of priority.

    Lesson learned, rather than wasted time.

  5. curmudgeon's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Help For The Poem...

    Yes 'Once!!'works and also you could use 'Then!!'

    or perhaps both...


    Once !!! I was the seven colours,Once !!! Iwas the soul in your body.
    Then !!! I was the seven colours, Then!!!I was the soul in your body.

    Once!!! I was your image in the evening, Then!!! I was your dream at night

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