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    #1

    Arrow Can you spice it up this

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    I have written here a small passage with very simple sentences. Please try to make it as a standard passage with your own style. You can add new vocabularies and express your own feelings. However you have to spice it up. That’s all.

    My aim is to know that how the sentences are getting all expressions.ok?



    A miserable incident


    A couple of weak ago, I happened to see an incident while I was on the way to home. After seeing that incident I really felt very bad. There were two men and a lady. One man of them was a cycle rickshaw man. Another man was at around 68 lying on the cycle rickshaw and suffering from many diseases. It seemed that he had been let down by the hospital and all his close relatives. I came to know that he was leading a hand to mouth existence. His both legs were very bad condition. There were many cracks on his both foot and swelling on his both legs below kneel. I don’t know how to express it. He was not able to even move his body and get up. The matter of regret is that he didn’t have any cloths on him to cover his body except a small shawl. The cycle rickshaw man tried to unload him, but the old man refused to come down. Finally after their struggling, he was unloaded like a deceased at the platform which was near to the road . Then he was lying on the plat form and managing to cover his body with the shawl by himself. I was watching everything as a mute spectator. But I was not able to help him in any manner because of my shyness. But the incident was brewing in my heart. I felt like humiliating them, those who are not supporting their parents while they are suffering at the end of their life.

    thanks
    winston
    Last edited by winston; 19-Jan-2007 at 10:28.


    • Join Date: Sep 2006
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    #2

    Re: Can you spice it up this

    Quote Originally Posted by winston View Post
    Dear Sir/Madam,
    I have written here a small passage with very simple sentences. Please try to make it as a standard passage with your own style. You can add new vocabularies and express your own feelings. However you have to spice it up. Thats all.

    My aim is to know that how the sentences are getting all expressions.ok?



    A miserable incident


    A couple of weak ago, I happened to see an incident while I was on the way to home. After seeing that incident I really felt very bad. There were two men and a lady. One man of them was a cycle rickshaw man. Another man was at around 68 lying on the cycle rickshaw and suffering from many diseases. It seemed that he had been let down by the hospital and all his close relatives. I came to know that he was leading a hand to mouth existence. His both legs were very bad condition. There were many cracks on his both foot and swelling on his both legs below kneel. I dont know how to express it. He was not able to even move his body and get up. The matter of regret is that he didnt have any cloths on him to cover his body except a small shawl. The cycle rickshaw man tried to unload him, but the old man refused to come down. Finally after their struggling, he was unloaded like a deceased at the platform which was near to the road . Then he was lying on the plat form and managing to cover his body with the shawl by himself. I was watching everything as a mute spectator. But I was not able to help him in any manner because of my shyness. But the incident was brewing in my heart. I felt like humiliating them, those who are not supporting their parents while they are suffering at the end of their life.

    thanks
    winston
    Winston, when you start writing, always refer a dictionary and thesaurus. These two will help you in finding the right words and usages. Check out some nline dictionaries and thesaurus.
    I have edited your passage.

    A couple of weeks ago, I chanced to witness an incident on my way home. I was miserably shaken by it. There were two men and a woman. One of them was a cycle rickshaw puller. The other man who was lying in the cycle rickshaw was about 68. He seemed to suffer from numerous diseases. It seemed that he was cast out by the hospital authorities and by all his close relatives. I gathered that he led a hand to mouth existence. Both his legs were in a very bad condition. There were many cracks on his feet and swelling below the knees. I dont have enough words to express the state he was in. He couldnt even move his body and get up. The most pathetic thing was that the man was stark naked except for a small shawl. The cycle rickshaw puller tried to get rid of him, but the old man refused to alight. Finally after much struggle, he was dislodged to a nearby platform like a corpse. He lay there, trying vainly to cover his body with the shawl. I was standing there as a mute spectator. I was too shy to help the man. But the incident was brewing in my heart. I felt like humiliating those who do not support their parents while they suffer at the end of their lives.

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    #3

    Re: Can you spice it up this

    Quote Originally Posted by sandhya.sha View Post
    Winston, when you start writing, always refer a dictionary and thesaurus. These two will help you in finding the right words and usages. Check out some nline dictionaries and thesaurus.
    I have edited your passage.

    A couple of weeks ago, I chanced to witness an incident on my way home. I was miserably shaken by it. There were two men and a woman. One of them was a cycle rickshaw puller. The other man who was lying in the cycle rickshaw was about 68. He seemed to suffer from numerous diseases. It seemed that he was cast out by the hospital authorities and by all his close relatives. I gathered that he led a hand to mouth existence. Both his legs were in a very bad condition. There were many cracks on his feet and swelling below the knees. I dont have enough words to express the state he was in. He couldnt even move his body and get up. The most pathetic thing was that the man was stark naked except for a small shawl. The cycle rickshaw puller tried to get rid of him, but the old man refused to alight. Finally after much struggle, he was dislodged to a nearby platform like a corpse. He lay there, trying vainly to cover his body with the shawl. I was standing there as a mute spectator. I was too shy to help the man. But the incident was brewing in my heart. I felt like humiliating those who do not support their parents while they suffer at the end of their lives.
    Thank you for your editing work.Here I could see a lot of new words.
    As you are a journalist,you could understand everything easily.But you didn't mention my major mistakes.


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    #4

    Re: Can you spice it up this

    Quote Originally Posted by winston View Post
    Thank you for your editing work.Here I could see a lot of new words.
    As you are a journalist,you could understand everything easily.But you didn't mention my major mistakes.
    From the editing I have done to your passge, try to find out the changes I have made to your sentences. Insted of I telling you the mistakes, it would be more helpful to you if you can identify them. Sit with your passage, a dictionary, and a thesaurus. Find the synonyms for each word you have used from the thesaurus, and search the dictionary for the correct usage. Now, try to rewrite the whole passage with the new words and usages you have got. And see the difference. You can get online dictionaries and thesaurus.

    One major advice I would give you is be careful with your spelling while you write. You wrote "weak", it is "week".

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    #5

    Re: Can you spice it up this

    Quote Originally Posted by sandhya.sha View Post
    From the editing I have done to your passge, try to find out the changes I have made to your sentences. Insted of I telling you the mistakes, it would be more helpful to you if you can identify them. Sit with your passage, a dictionary, and a thesaurus. Find the synonyms for each word you have used from the thesaurus, and search the dictionary for the correct usage. Now, try to rewrite the whole passage with the new words and usages you have got. And see the difference. You can get online dictionaries and thesaurus.

    One major advice I would give you is be careful with your spelling while you write. You wrote "weak", it is "week".
    thank you for your advises.I will try to pursue them.

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