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  1. #1
    AlboBoy Guest

    "Better" than "This"

    Better

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Re: Edit this paper

    Quote Originally Posted by AlboBoy
    A Day I Will Never Forget.
    Good title!

    Quote Originally Posted by AlboBoy
    It was early summer of 1999, and I had never seen a beautiful day like that one.
    Try:
    • It was early summer of 1999, and I had never seen a more beautiful day than that one.

    Quote Originally Posted by AlboBoy
    It looked to me that Mother Nature had achieved perfection that day.
    Try:
    • It looked to me like Mother Nature had achieved perfection that day.

    Quote Originally Posted by AlboBoy
    I could see everybody happy, except me.
    This abrupt change in tone contradicts everything that has come before. Are you sure about that line?

  3. #3
    AlboBoy Guest
    Thats good , needs some work

  4. #4
    AlboBoy Guest
    I think thats what i want to show, a sad moment

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Almost five years ago, on June 3, 1999 me and my parents left Italy and came to the United States. I recall that day as the saddest one of my life.
    Try:
    • Almost five years ago, on June 3, 1999, my parents and I left Italy to come to the United States. I recall that day as the saddest one of my life.

    I changed it from and came to to come because you put the focus on leaving, so I thought that was appropriate.

    What do you think?

    :)

  6. #6
    AlboBoy Guest
    Yeah you right

    WHAT ELSE?

  7. #7
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlboBoy
    I think thats what i want to show, a sad moment
    I think you might want to find a different segue, however.

    (Say: "I think that's what I want....")

    :)

  8. #8
    AlboBoy Guest
    Got it

  9. #9
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Can it be "BETTER "?

    Quote Originally Posted by AlboBoy
    Yeah you right

    WHAT ELSE?
    The rest of it when I have time. :)

    (Say: you're right)

    :)

  10. #10
    AlboBoy Guest
    You are right, but you could be wrong too

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