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  1. Newbie
    Student or Learner

    • Join Date: Jan 2007
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Please correct this for me

    Hi
    Greetings
    I'm a new member of this site.I found this website through Google while I was looking for a topic about What are some reasons people attend universities?
    Well,I'm a university student.I study English translation,of course English into persian.
    Well,I study english in university but I attend english classes as well.In university they ask us to write some essays.I decided to be a member of this website in order to help me correct my essay mistakes or other things which I found interesting in this website.
    I have written an essay,of course I don't know if we can call this essay or not.But I wonder if you could possibly correct thisfor me.
    Here it goes:
    The topic is What is your dream society?
    My dream society
    Itís a perfect land. A land which is full of joy and happiness. A land in which everyone longs to live.
    People of this land are so intimate, affectionate and considerate. They are straight forward in their dealings and respect each other to their body and soul. They never encroach one anotherís right and never withhold their help from each other. There is no class contrast and no one pokes his nose into others life. All the people show unsparing love and affection to one another.
    Nobody is needy and indigent. Being rich and being poor has no meaning at all. People are all the same and equal in every aspect of life.
    There is a good job for everyone. A good job with a sufficient salary. There is no unemployment and everyone can easily get his/her own favorite job.

    The culture has made a fast and great progress. People confide to each other and never lie or betray. There is nothing remained of some of those foolish traditions. People are sensible enough and do not waste their precious time on vain things. Generally speaking they try to do well in their life.
    Those who are friends are so honest and reliable. They do what relationship requires. They never refuse to help each other. There is no trace of jealousy, hatred, deceiving and so many other unappealing things. No one feels lonely because she/he has a great friend to lean on. There is no lack of tenderness.
    Parents are so close to their children. They are all reasonable about their childrenís problems and difficulties. Everyone is happy and there is no trace of sadness at all.
    The outward appearance of the city is clean and unpolluted. A city which has a distinguished population. It has got a lot of trees in order to help the city look beautiful. The streets are wide enough for all the massive cars. You can see a lot of people riding bicycles instead of driving their cars to the work. There is no traffic at all and you can do all your things in a short time with a less expense.
    There are no obsessions. Because some times thinking a lot about the problems of life can cause some dangerous diseases. With this in mind nerves diseases will lessen and some people can live to be 100.
    Thanks a million


    • Join Date: Feb 2007
    • Posts: 41
    #2

    Re: Please correct this for me

    Hi.
    In my opinion, you're very good at writing. I wish I could right as well as you.
    However, I have some comments:
    1- Being rich and being poor has no meaning at all.
    I think it's better to say "Being rich OR being poor has no meaning at all" or "Either you're rich or you're poor has no meaning at all".
    2- The streets are wide enough for all the massive cars. &
    There is no traffic at all.........
    I think there's contrast between them.
    3- You can see a lot of people riding bicycles instead of driving their cars to the work.
    You shouldn't have used the article "the".


    • Join Date: Feb 2007
    • Posts: 41
    #3

    Re: Please correct this for me

    I wish I could write ( not right as I wrote ). Sorry 4 this stupid mistake.


    • Join Date: Feb 2007
    • Posts: 283
    #4

    Re: Please correct this for me

    1- i think there is a subtle difference between land and society. the former is a physical entity and the latter is a relational concept ( means that in which relations are more important than members)
    2- i think that class conflict/strugle is more prevalent than class contrast
    3- i think that culture can't progress .culture is the way we live ,the way which determines socially learned good and bad.
    4- nerves disease is not correct i think psychologic diseases or nervousness is much better
    5- im not sure but the usage of so is not so appropriate
    6- everyone,s deam society is what he or she cant find in reality

  2. #5

    Re: Please correct this for me

    Hi,

    I have made a few changes for you.

    If you want my help in the future, please come to Ask About English

    Thanks,

    Matt

    My dream society

    Itís a perfect land. A land which is full of joy and happiness. A land in which everyone longs to live.
    People of this land are so intimate, affectionate and considerate. They are straightforward in their dealings and respect each other's body and soul. They never encroach upon others' rights and never withhold aid. There are no class conflicts and no one pokes his nose into anyone else's life. All the people show unsparing love and affection to one another.
    Nobody is needy nor indigent. Being rich and being poor have no meaning at all. All people are the same and equal in every aspect of life.
    There is a good job for everyone. A good job with a sufficient salary. There is no unemployment and everyone can easily get their favourite job.

    Culture has made fast and great progress. People confide in but never lie or betray each other. There is nothing remaining of some of those foolish traditions. People are sensible enough and do not waste their precious time on vain things. Generally speaking they try to do well in life.
    Those who are friends are so honest and reliable. They do what the relationship requires. They never refuse to help each other. There is no trace of jealousy, hatred, deception and so many other unappealing things. No one feels lonely because they have a great friend to lean on. There is no lack of tenderness.
    Parents are so close to their children. They are all reasonable about their childrenís problems and difficulties. Everyone is happy and there is no trace of sadness at all.
    The outward appearance of the city is clean and unpolluted. A city which has a distinguished population. It has got a lot of trees in order to help the city look beautiful. The streets are wide enough for massive cars but you see many people riding bicycles instead of driving their cars to work. There is no traffic at all and you can do all your things in a short time with less expense.
    There are no obsessions. Because some times thinking a lot about the problems of life can cause some dangerous diseases. With this in mind mental disorders will lessen and some people could live to be 100.

  3. #6

    Re: Please correct this for me

    Hi,

    I have made a few changes for you.

    If you want my help in the future, please email me..........at gmail

    Thanks,

    Matt

    My dream society

    Itís a perfect land. A land which is full of joy and happiness. A land in which everyone longs to live.
    People of this land are so intimate, affectionate and considerate. They are straightforward in their dealings and respect each other's body and soul. They never encroach upon others' rights and never withhold aid. There are no class conflicts and no one pokes his nose into anyone else's life. All the people show unsparing love and affection to one another.
    Nobody is needy nor indigent. Being rich and being poor have no meaning at all. All people are the same and equal in every aspect of life.
    There is a good job for everyone. A good job with a sufficient salary. There is no unemployment and everyone can easily get their favourite job.

    Culture has made fast and great progress. People confide in but never lie or betray each other. There is nothing remaining of some of those foolish traditions. People are sensible enough and do not waste their precious time on vain things. Generally speaking they try to do well in life.
    Those who are friends are so honest and reliable. They do what the relationship requires. They never refuse to help each other. There is no trace of jealousy, hatred, deception and so many other unappealing things. No one feels lonely because they have a great friend to lean on. There is no lack of tenderness.
    Parents are so close to their children. They are all reasonable about their childrenís problems and difficulties. Everyone is happy and there is no trace of sadness at all.
    The outward appearance of the city is clean and unpolluted. A city which has a distinguished population. It has got a lot of trees in order to help the city look beautiful. The streets are wide enough for massive cars but you see many people riding bicycles instead of driving their cars to work. There is no traffic at all and you can do all your things in a short time with less expense.
    There are no obsessions. Because some times thinking a lot about the problems of life can cause some dangerous diseases. With this in mind mental disorders will lessen and some people could live to be 100.

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