Can anyone please help me to mark it??
Student or Learner
I am a secondary 4 student.Please help me to mark my essay and tell me what grade I can get if I write this kind of essay in the exams in your country(hopefully USA,UK and AS)
The title is "The friend whom I treasure the most".
Thomas Tan.It is just a common name among all the teenagers.However,it is totally different to me.Thomas Tan is a friend of mine whom I treasure the most.Unfortunately,our friendship only laster for ten years.He had kicked the bucket after meeting with an accident in his journey to visit his grandmother.
Ten years ago,I was brought to a small village after my father decided to change his workplace from the rat race of the city.Purple with rage,I argued with him about his decision as I thought it was hard for me to stay in a village which had less amenities.Besides that,I did not bear to be apart with my best friends.What was on my mind really came true in reality.No television,no computer games and no air-conditional!The life in the village had really driven me up the wall and I did not talk to anyone for a whole week as I was really livid.
My opinion about the village had totally changed after the student who sat beside me started to talk to me.His name is Thomas Tan.Although he is one year older than me,we studied in the same class due to poor result in the examination.It was really a bolt from the blue as I did not expect anyone would talk to me before I started to do so.At first,I ignored him.But after a few days,I Decided to chat with him as I saw his sincerity in becoming friend with me.We became best friends sooner than everyone thought.
Everyday after the school,I would go to his house to give him tuition so that he could catch up with the lessons in class.Besides,we had promised each other that we were going to enter the same university together.With my help,Thomas improved by leaps and bounds in a blink of an eye.He even got into the top ten of our class ranking.His parents were on top of the world when they knew about his result.However,he did not get distinction in the PMR examination(a Malaysian exam which is sat by all the secondary 3 students)as he was sick during the examination.As the saying goes,”half loaf is better than none.”I encouraged him when he had totally given out his studies by saying that at least he passed the examination and it was not his fault to feel off colour during the examination weeks.Finally,he restored his confidence again.
On the contrary,Thomas lent me his hand in other thing.As I was from the city,I did not know how to climb up tree,fly kites or even swim.It made all my friends laugh at me and the isolated me.Thomas was the only one who accepted me and instead of laughing at me,he decided to teach me all the techniques relevant to these activities.He also demonstrated to me before teaching me as he knew that a good example is the best sermon.He told me not to be in a hurry to learn all these techniques as they were really tough activities.As the saying goes,”Rome was not built in one day.”Due to me determination, I successfully learnt to climb trees and swim. In the process, I had also become a tough teenager.
It takes all sorts to make the world.We could not expect things that happened around us were always good. One day, Thomas told me that he was going to his grandmother’s house to attend a party. However, he did not come back anymore. What I had received was only the news that he met with an accident and passed away. At first, I thought my friends were just pulling my leg, but my parents confirmed the news after I went back home.
Now, I am studying in the University of England alone. I still did not forget our promise and I will accomplish it on behalf of the friend whom I treasure the most in my life.
Can anyone please help me to mark it??
I won't give it a grade as I am not a teacher, but here are some comments:
Try not to use so many idioms and figures of speech. They sound really silly when they start piling up. You have about four times as many as you should in an essay of this length.
I was quite shocked to see you use "kick the bucket," which is a very casual and dismissive way to refer to death, when you were taking about the death of your dear friend at such a young age.
You need to leave a space after your punctuation, and it's much easier to read if you leave a blank line between your paragraphs.
There are several little errors. I wonder if a careful re-reading will show some of them to you? (example: a capital D in Decided)
You tutored him - not gave him tuition.
Your promise was to go to university together, so you can't say you did it without him.
In summary, I would not have been able to write an essay of this quality when I was studying another language, but it's far from perfect. But I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.
I wrote so many idioms is just because in our country examination.They played an important role
As you wish. If this were an American essay, using so many idioms would get you marked down and make your writing actually sound comical. In any case, please do not use "kicked the bucket."
thanks for your advice.
do you know any webside which has some modal essay as my reference?
I didn't read your essay.
The reason why is that it visually choked me when I looked at that huge lump of text.
Paragraphs go a long way as far as I'm concerned. They provide oxygen to the text.
Try leaving a free line in between each paragraph. It will make a world of a difference (at least to me!)
I also agree with Barb_D, leave "kick the bucket" alone.