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    #1

    editing of passage about the wolf and the kids

    Could someone please edit this passage for Year-2 students? Thanks in advance.

    Mother Goat lived in the forest with her seven kids.

    One day, before she went out alone, she advised her kids to be careful of the wolf.


    Soon after she left, the wolf knocked on the door and said, “Children, open the door for Mum.”


    The kids knew that it was the wolf because he had a rough voice and black paws.

    The eldest kid told the wolf, “Your voice is rough, so you cannot be Mum.”


    The wolf went away. He ate some chalk so that his voice would not be rough. He then returned to the house and, knocking on the door, told the kids, “Mum is back. Please open the door.”


    The kids did not open the door because they recognised the wolf by his black paws. “Mum does not have black paws, so you cannot be Mum,” said one of the kids.


    The wolf gave up and left.



  1. Casiopea's Avatar

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    #2

    Re: editing of passage about the wolf and the kids

    The kids did not open the door, because they recognised the wolf by his black paws.

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    #3

    Re: editing of passage about the wolf and the kids

    * A forest (The : only when the reader is supposed to know which forest you're talking about).
    * One day,(while/before) leaving,... (coherence is important)
    * The kids knew (that) it was the wolf. "That" can be dropped (omitted)
    * So that his voice would sound as their mother's.
    or ........................................smooth/familiar.
    * ..,Knocking in the door, he said,... ( We usually tell a story, but we say sth)
    the passag lacks some transition. It's OK

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    #4

    Re: editing of passage about the wolf and the kids

    Quote Originally Posted by Casiopea View Post
    The kids did not open the door, because they recognised the wolf by his black paws.
    Why is the comma needed? Is it because the first part of the sentence is too long?

  2. Casiopea's Avatar

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    #5

    Re: editing of passage about the wolf and the kids

    Quote Originally Posted by kohyoongliat View Post
    Why is the comma needed? Is it because the first part of the sentence is too long?
    Without the comma it reads like this:

    The kids did not open the door because they recongised the wolf; on the contrary, they opened the door because of something else.

    In other words, omit the comma and you have the kids opening the door.

    Does that help?

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    #6

    Re: editing of passage about the wolf and the kids

    Thanks.

  3. Casiopea's Avatar

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    #7

    Re: editing of passage about the wolf and the kids

    You're welcome.

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