[Warning: I'm a student, not a teacher.]Christianity is the largest of all existing religions today and most of people around the world are Christians. Unfortunately, many confusing sects have emerged and leave people perplexed as to which truly is the one started by the Lord Jesus in His time. Could it be that knowing the beginning of the Church will guide us to the one who speaks the truth? If it is, let me tell you the story, as told by the Bible (Acts, chapter 2, CEV).
The Beginning of Our Church
On the day of Pentecost, around 30-33 AD, all the Lord's disciples were together, waiting for the promise of Jesus that he would send His Holy Spirit to them, They were (the way you wrote it, it sounded like Jesus had told them that the Holy Ghost would come in that precise room)in an upper room(this one I don't like, but I can't point out why. Maybe somebody else will help) in Jerusalem, the capital of Israel. As they were waiting/waited (alternative, sounds better to me), suddenly came a noise came from heaven, like the sound of a mighty very powerful wind and it filled the house where they were meeting. Then, they saw what looked like fiery tongues of fire, which/that settled on each person there. The Holy Spirit took control and they began speaking whatever languages the Spirit let them speak. The promise had arrived been fulfilled.
Many religious Jews from every country in the world were living in Jerusalem. And when they heard this noise, a crowd gathered. But they were surprised, because they were hearing everything in their own languages native tongues.
“Don't all these who are speaking come from Galilee? Then why do we hear them speaking ourvery own languages? We all hear them using our own languages to tell the wonderful things God has done.” (v. 7.8) Everyone was excited and confused. Some of them even kept asking each other, “What does all this mean?” (v.12) Others made fun of the Lord's followers and said, “They are drunk” (v 13).
Then Peter stood with the eleven apostles and spoke in a loud and clear voice to the crowd. He explained that it was wrong to think that these people are were drunk for it is was just 9 o'clock in the morning. But this is that was what God had the prophet Joel say, “When the last days come, I will give my Spirit to everyone. Your sons and daughters will prophesy. Your young men will see visions, and your old men will have dreams. In those days I will give my Spirit to my servants, both men and women, and they will prophesy.” (here you need to put in the original reference)
Peter continued and told the story of Jesus, how that God proved that He sent Jesus as their Messiah by working miracles, wonders, and signs through him. He elaborated on the life of Jesus, on(optional) how he suffered and died in of their hands, but by the power of God was raised back to life.
Knowing now that they had crucified Jesus, their Lord and Christ, they were cut in their heart deeply impressed and asked Peter and the apostles, “Brethren, what shall we do?”
Peter replied: "Repent and be baptized everyone of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of your sins and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. This promise is for you and your children. It is for everyone our Lord God will choose, no matter where they live."
Peter told them many other things as well. On that day, about three thousand believed his message and were baptized. They spent their time learning from the apostles, and they were like family to each other/treated each other like family. Day after day, they met together in the temple. They also broke bread/took the Lord's Supper and prayed together while praising God. Everyone liked them, and each day the Lord added to their group others who were being saved.
This is the story of the Church on from the bible's standpoint a biblical perspective. Is your church's (yes, it isn't capitalised here, because it's about a local church) history connected to this or is it that you might have just emerged years after this magnificent event happened? This question I believe deserves your full attention. Knowing the truth sets us free.
And in case you still don't have any idea of the answers(unclear) the Bible suggests: “Search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life.” Yes, search the Scriptures.☻
All in all, it's a very good one.
I highlighted in red what I feel you should delete from your essay. I put in green what I feel should replace the red or the underlined parts. When I underlined (without colouring red), I was uncertain or I thought both possibilities worked.
You should try and capitalise words such as Bible, Scriptures, Church (when you're referring to the spiritual Church. The local building is simply "church"). Also, it is customary to capitalise pronouns when they're about God (He is mighty, not he is mighty).
Please, whenever you end a quotation, put your references in brackets. I don't care if your listeners/readers know it comes from the Bible. You need specific reference notes. I see you're using only one text here, so it's ok to mention the Book and Chapter at the beginning, and then simply add the verse number. I did the first part, just as an example. You need to put in the rest. And always, ALWAYS give the version. I see you used the Contemporary English Version. I put in CEV in brackets. Remeber to do it next time.
Another thing: you tend, like most people, to forget to paraphrase biblical sentences, when you're not quoting. A normal nowadays reader will find expressions like "cut in the heart" or "fiery tongues" VERY strange. In other words, they won't understand. You either put quotation marks and give the reference, or try to 'translate' them into everyday speech.
Well, I hope this will help (although I'm afraid I confused you even more )