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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
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    #1

    Cool A short piece for your comments

    "I was sitting there for, I don't know, three or four hours, I think. Maybe even more. Kitty, as I used to call my cat though she, actually, had no name, was sitting under the table and looking at me. Looking as if she had been able to understand what I was feeling at the moment - and I was feeling really bad. Like a butterfly who has just understood that its name was a combination of two words that usually are not associated with beauty: butter and fly. The first may be associated with something really fat, and the second with... well... something you do have to rid of quite often. This is how I felt, and neither Kitty nor anyone else could do anything to help me, to make me feel better.
    Because, when I was looking into a mirror, I noticed my face looked like Smithy's face.
    And Smithy is my parents' awful dog that eats their chickens, bites whoever he can, barks whenever he should not, and is as ugly as you can only imagine...
    This is what I noticed yesterday evening, looking into the mirror. Even today, though I am not able to see Smithy's face in the mirror I am looking into, I remember what I saw yesterday, and I exactly remember it wasn't my face, but Smithy's. And just a minute ago I noticed two pounds of meat that, of which I am sure, were in my fridge yesterday vanished into thin air. I don't remember I cooked it yesterday, but someone or something did take it out from the fridge and did eat it.
    There's something wrong with me."

    I'd be grateful for any comments. I put it here, in the "Ask a Teacher" forum, because I mainly care for language evaluation, though any comments would be welcome.

    Cheers,
    Nyggus


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #2

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    I love it! I laugh every time I read it.


    Only comment - I would take out the commas here:
    though she actually had no name

  1. RonBee's Avatar
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      • American English
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    #3

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    It is, I think. quite well-written. The only thing I ould change is I would say out of the fridge (rather than out from the fridge). Very good!



    ~R

    P.S. Say have to get rid of rather than have to rid of. Also say I don't remember cooking it.
    Last edited by RonBee; 19-Jun-2007 at 02:02. Reason: Add something

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    #4

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    Thanks, Anglika and RonBee, for your comments. It's a really nice thing in a morning to read that you like the piece!

    Nyggus


    • Join Date: Jun 2007
    • Posts: 42
    #5

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    really creative and very interesting to read,


    I have 2 questions .
    1. Can any sentence begin with "and" ?
    2. Is the comma necessary?


    And Smithy is my parents' awful dog that eats their chickens, bites whoever he can, barks whenever he should not, and is as ugly as you can only imagine...

    • Member Info
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    #6

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    Quote Originally Posted by sameer1728 View Post
    really creative and very interesting to read,


    I have 2 questions .
    1. Can any sentence begin with "and" ?
    2. Is the comma necessary?


    And Smithy is my parents' awful dog that eats their chickens, bites whoever he can, barks whenever he should not, and is as ugly as you can only imagine...
    My comment, as an author of this piece but not an English expert, is:
    Ad 1. Yes, it's not a formal writing, so it can.
    Ad 2. I am sure it's a matter of personal view. For me this comma clarifies the meaning, though am sure some would not put it there.

    I am eager to learn our teachers' opinion.

    Nyggus


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #7

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    I really think it is fine as it stands. It is a lovely piece of lively and informal writing, and shows a good understanding of the way in which you can use language.

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    Quote Originally Posted by sameer1728 View Post
    really creative and very interesting to read,


    I have 2 questions .
    1. Can any sentence begin with "and" ?
    2. Is the comma necessary?


    And Smithy is my parents' awful dog that eats their chickens, bites whoever he can, barks whenever he should not, and is as ugly as you can only imagine...
    Yes, a sentence can begin with and. ("And another thing...." "And that's not all." "And there's more.") Whether the piece is formal or informal makes no difference.

    Yes.

    ~R

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    #9

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    I really think it is fine as it stands. It is a lovely piece of lively and informal writing, and shows a good understanding of the way in which you can use language.


    Nyggus


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #10

    Re: A short piece for your comments

    Thank you.

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