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    • Join Date: Jul 2006
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    #1

    Can you check out this sentene, please?

    In a English test I wrote this sentence, referring to a poem (The rainbow by Wordswoth):

    The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes just as the rainbow seems to be starting when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon.

    Is it correct?
    I'm not sure about the expression seems to be starting [...] and dying.
    I do know I could have chosen a better verb instead of starts here
    The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes
    Maybe begins would have been a little more appropriate.
    Thank you

  1. bianca's Avatar
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      • Native Language:
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    • Join Date: Apr 2007
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    #2

    Re: Can you check out this sentene, please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Englishlanguage View Post
    In a English test I wrote this sentence, referring to a poem (The rainbow by Wordswoth):

    The rainbow rapresents the course of life which (begins and ends) just as the rainbow does: it (is born) upon first appearing on the horizon, and (dies) when it sinks below it.

    Is it correct?
    I'm not sure about the expression seems to be starting [...] and dying.
    I do know I could have chosen a better verb instead of starts here
    The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes
    Maybe begins would have been a little more appropriate.
    Thank you
    how about this?


    • Join Date: Jul 2006
    • Posts: 449
    #3

    Re: Can you check out this sentene, please?

    Quote Originally Posted by bianca View Post
    how about this?
    Well, it does sound better. My sentence has too many repetitions. Words like rainbow and horizon are repeated too much. Anyway, do you believe mine is acceptable? If you were my English teacher how would you consider my sentence?

  2. bianca's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Swedish
      • Home Country:
      • Sweden
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden

    • Join Date: Apr 2007
    • Posts: 1,044
    #4

    Re: Can you check out this sentene, please?

    The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes just as the rainbow seems to be starting when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon.


    The phrase is too long, I almost got lost in it.

    Yes, you're right:

    - the repetition of horizon in the same sentence "when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon."

    -start and starting... it's bothering me, can't you find a way to go round repetitions, use synonyms...

    - finishes is a transitive verb, use an intransitive verb that fits better, especially with the idea of life and death (maybe begin and end isn't the best option either...)

    -when it first appears ...and dying ... here you must be consistent with the tenses.

    I like the verb "sink" at the end, like under the water (pictures the sky as a blue ocean)

    is it too much???
    Last edited by bianca; 26-Jun-2007 at 21:16.


    • Join Date: Jul 2006
    • Posts: 449
    #5

    Re: Can you check out this sentene, please?

    Quote Originally Posted by bianca View Post

    is it too much???
    Not at all, it'sk ok. thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by bianca View Post
    -when it first appears ...and dying ... here you must be consistent with the tenses.
    I'm afraid you misunderstood this part.
    Dying is dependent from seems to be just like starting.
    just as the rainbow seems to be starting when [...] and dying when [...]

    What about the usage of to be starting? Should I have said seems to start?

    Quote Originally Posted by bianca View Post
    I like the verb "sink" at the end, like under the water (pictures the sky as a blue ocean)
    I came across an example like The sun sank below the horizon on the dictionary and immediately fell in love with this expression.


    Quote Originally Posted by bianca View Post
    - the repetition of horizon in the same sentence "when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon."
    You're right but I was afraid the sentence could be misunderstood if I used pronouns.

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