Results 1 to 3 of 3
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Polish
      • Home Country:
      • Poland
      • Current Location:
      • Poland

    • Join Date: Jan 2006
    • Posts: 2,081
    #1

    Question A passage

    Dark, heavy clouds were approaching; it was getting colder and colder as though everything knew what we were going to do. Though just a moment before there hadn't been a breathe of wind, it began to pick up, soon becoming a gale which could blow down the strongest trees, not to mention us. With the last look of the sun being hidden, our optimism disappeared. Stooped as though exhausted, we looked at each other just to encourage ourselves, and went strait into the den, our legs shaking. I only hoped this wasn't a vice den.
    ---

    I'd appreciate any comments on the grammar and style of the above passage.

    Thanks,
    Nyggus
    Last edited by nyggus; 14-Aug-2007 at 10:50.


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #2

    Re: A passage

    Quote Originally Posted by nyggus View Post
    Dark, heavy clouds were approaching; it was getting colder and colder as though everything knew what we were going to do. Though just a moment before there hadn't been a breath of wind, it began to pick up, soon becoming a gale that could blow down the strongest trees, not to mention us. With the last glimpse of the sun being hidden, our optimism disappeared. Stooped as though exhausted, we looked at each other just to encourage ourselves, and went straight into the den, our legs shaking. I only hoped this wasn't a vice den.
    ---

    I'd appreciate any comments on the grammar and style of the above passage.

    Thanks,
    Nyggus
    It's good - I wonder if "the world" or "nature" or the surrounding mountains" might be better than "everything knew", which seems to me a bit flat.

    "breathe" = the action of breathing
    "strait" = narrow

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Polish
      • Home Country:
      • Poland
      • Current Location:
      • Poland

    • Join Date: Jan 2006
    • Posts: 2,081
    #3

    Re: A passage

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    It's good - I wonder if "the world" or "nature" or the surrounding mountains" might be better than "everything knew", which seems to me a bit flat.

    "breathe" = the action of breathing
    "strait" = narrow
    Many thanks, Anglika. I can't stop asking myself a question when I will stop making typos...

Similar Threads

  1. editing of passage
    By kohyoongliat in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 18-Apr-2007, 08:28
  2. Passage for Year 2 students
    By kohyoongliat in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 27-Mar-2007, 09:18
  3. short passage
    By kohyoongliat in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 09-Mar-2007, 17:33
  4. short passage
    By kohyoongliat in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 26-Feb-2007, 03:50
  5. i need yourhelp (how do i start at the beginning a passage) ??
    By superstar in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 17-Apr-2005, 11:21

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •