This is a short essay I am writing to try to get into BYU Provo. Please tell me what you think, and please suggest. I am going to replace the names with letters, and also here is the prompt, so you know what I'm going for! Thanks a lot, I appreciate and comments and criticisms.
Instructions: Please respond to the topic listed below. Limit your response to approximately 300 words or less. (Anything in excess of 2000 characters will be deleted.) We suggest writing your essay in a word processor of your choice, then copy and paste the text into the field below.
What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements?
A teacher of children, a pianist, a singer, a white-water athlete, a Mormon; these are the things that define me. All of these developed skills, abilities, identities, and passions sprouted from the same wonderful family. I met A in first grade, an intelligent boy who was extremely talented at the piano for his age. ‘I want to play like that’ I told my mother. I started taking lessons from J, A’s eldest sister, shortly after. W, A’s mother, recruited me into her Boys Choir soon after, and I also joined A's scout troop. At age 11, I was converted to the church (against my parents will), baptized by A’s eldest brother D. M ('s father) took us rafting down the American River, which I automatically fell in love with.
I play the piano daily, teach piano while attending Sierra College, work under D, sing in a Chamber Choir, take boy scouts river rafting, assist with our wards 11-year-old scouts, and attend church actively. The happiness this family has brought me has defined my life by converting me to the church and is at the core of everything I do.
What sets me apart from other applicants? I do not want to go to BYU because my parents want me to go, or went there themselves. I want to go to BYU because I want my spiritual growth and intellectual growth to happen in the same place at the same time, which I believe is possible on no other college campus.
Word Count: 253
Thank you for replying Anglika, I will make those corrections before submission! Do you or anyone else have any suggestions on my content/organization/or any other way I can make this essay better? Thanks again Anglika!
Bump! Thanks again Anglika.
I'd really like some more feedback!