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    • Join Date: Sep 2006
    • Posts: 433
    #1

    My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Hi, are there any mistakes in the following passage, or is there anything that sounds unnatural or jerky?

    I am an extremely romantic person, ever since I was 14. I always wanted a truly loving girl, so now that I have found one, I want to shower her with love and affection. But unfortunately, I haven’t gone on a date with her yet that one can call ideal or perfect. But I will make it soon. I’ll take her to the beach, where we will ride horses, across the water waves in the view of sunset on the ocean. And I will pray to God that she falls down, and I hold her in my arms. I’ll then organize a candle-light dinner and for the first time I will try to cook a favorite recipe of hers on my own. I would want to let the beautiful night elapse poorly. I would want to spend the whole night with her, teasing and loving her.


    • Join Date: Sep 2006
    • Posts: 433
    #2

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Will someone please help me?


    • Join Date: Sep 2006
    • Posts: 433
    #3

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Could someone please take some of their time out for me?

    When will my number come?

  1. Ouisch's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2006
    • Posts: 4,142
    #4

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Grammatically, the only thing I'd change is I would want to let the beautiful night elapse poorly. Instead of "poorly" you should say "slowly" (because you want it to last as long as possible).

    I don't know about praying to God that she falls off her horse, though. Grammar-wise, there's nothing wrong with that sentence, but there are better excuses for "rescuing" her and cuddling her in your arms than taking a chance that she breaks her neck in a fall like that. Perhaps while the two of you are watching the sun set, you notice that she's shivering a little because it's getting colder outside. You then casually place your jacket around her shoulders to keep her warm, and pull her close to you while doing so.


    • Join Date: Sep 2006
    • Posts: 433
    #5

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Awww Ouish, it’s so nice of you once again for giving me a hand and offering me such a wonderful idea. Thanks a lot! By the way, sorry about the typo, it was “I wouldn’t want to let the beautiful night elapse poorly”. Do you still find it wrong and want me to use “slowly” for “poorly”?

    I have done a bit of editing complying with you nice suggestion. Here’s the edited version:
    I am an extremely romantic person, ever since I was 14. I always wanted a truly loving girl, so now that I have found one, I want to shower her with love and affection. But unfortunately, I haven’t gone on a date with her yet that one can call ideal or perfect. But I want to make it soon. I would want to take her to the beach, where we ride horses, across the water waves in the view of sunset on the ocean. And perhaps while the two of us are watching the sun set, I notice that she’s shivering a little because it’s getting colder. I then casually place my jacket around her shoulders to keep her warm, and pull her close to me while doing so. I then organize a candle-light dinner and for the first time I try to cook a favorite recipe of hers on my own. I wouldn’t want that we go back to our house and let the beautiful night elapse poorly. I would want to spend the whole night with her, loving and teasing her.
    Doesn’t it all sound filmy? Yes, it sure does, but that’s the way I want to make it, or I would like to play it by ears.
    What about this? Sounds better? And do you still see some grammar mistakes in it? By the way, the edition is indicated in blue.


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #6

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Quote Originally Posted by asad hussain View Post
    Awww Ouish, it’s so nice of you once again for giving me a hand and offering me such a wonderful idea. Thanks a lot! By the way, sorry about the typo, it was “I wouldn’t want to let the beautiful night elapse poorly”. Do you still find it wrong and want me to use “slowly” for “poorly”?

    I have done a bit of editing complying with you nice suggestion. Here’s the edited version:
    I am an extremely romantic person, ever since I was 14. I always wanted a truly loving girl, so now that I have found one, I want to shower her with love and affection. But unfortunately, I haven’t gone on a date with her yet that one can call ideal or perfect. But I want to make it soon. I would want to take her to the beach, where we ride horses beside the water in the light of the sunset on the ocean. And perhaps while the two of us are watching the sun set, I notice that she’s shivering a little because it’s getting colder. I then casually place my jacket around her shoulders to keep her warm, and pull her close to me while doing so. I then organize a candle-light dinner and for the first time I try to cook a favorite recipe of hers on my own. I wouldn’t want that we go back to our house and let the beautiful night elapse poorly [end badly/sadly]. I would want to spend the whole night with her, loving and teasing her.
    Doesn’t it all sound filmy? Yes, it sure does, but that’s the way I want to make it, or I would like but I will have to play it by ears. "by ear" = collocation
    What about this? Sounds better? And do you still see some grammar mistakes in it? By the way, the edition is indicated in blue.
    Aaah - fade and cut.

    My suggestions for changes in pink.


    • Join Date: Sep 2007
    • Posts: 1,153
    #7

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Quote Originally Posted by asad hussain View Post

    I have done a bit of editing complying with you nice suggestion. Here’s the edited version:
    I am an extremely romantic person, ever since I was 14. I always wanted a truly loving girl, so now that I have found one, I want to shower her with love and affection. But unfortunately, I haven’t gone on a date with her yet that one can call ideal or perfect. But I want to make it soon. I would want to take her to the beach, where we ride horses, across the water waves in the view of sunset on the ocean. And perhaps while the two of us are watching the sun set, I notice that she’s shivering a little because it’s getting colder. I then casually place my jacket around her shoulders to keep her warm, and pull her close to me while doing so. I then organize a candle-light dinner and for the first time I try to cook a favorite recipe of hers on my own. I wouldn’t want that we go back to our house and let the beautiful night elapse poorly. I would want to spend the whole night with her, loving and teasing her.
    Doesn’t it all sound filmy? Yes, it sure does, but that’s the way I want to make it, or I would like to play it by ears.
    What about this? Sounds better? And do you still see some grammar mistakes in it? By the way, the edition is indicated in blue.
    Here is my wordsmithing attempt. I have bolded the changes so they are clear.

    I have been an extremely romantic person, ever since I was fourteen. I always wanted a truly loving girl, so now that I have found one, I want to shower her with love and affection. Unfortunately I haven’t gone on a date with her yet that one can call ideal or perfect, but I want to make it soon. I would want to take her to the beach, where we ride horses, through water waves in the view of sunset on the ocean. Perhaps while the two of us are watching the sun set, I notice that she’s shivering a little because it’s getting colder. I then casually place my jacket around her shoulders to keep her warm, and pull her close to me. I then would create a candle-light dinner and for the first time I'd try to cook a favorite recipe of hers on my own. I wouldn’t want us to go back to our house and waste the beautiful night. I would want to spend the whole night with her, loving and teasing her.

    Does that sound too Hollywood (or Bollywood)? Yes, it sure does, but that’s the way I want to make our first date, or I would like to play it by ear.

    Comments:

    1) I would not use numbers in a text unless it is a date. Fourteen mixes with the text much better than a glaring 14.

    2) If the clause "
    ever since I was fourteen." was not at the end of the sentence, I would have used "I am a romantic", but with the addition of this clause "I have been a romantic" drags your romantic past up to the present time.

    3) Starting two sentences in a row with "but" is not a good idea. Even starting one sentence this way is less than ideal (use "however" if you must do it). I solved this by combining the two sentences, retaining the second "but" as a conjunction.

    4) You are riding "through" the waves...unless, in your love, it seems like you are floating across them

    5)
    "while doing so" is unnecessary and implied in the implied by previous action..

    6) I like "create" rather than "organize". You are making this fantastic dinner yourself, right? You are not organizing a caterer.

    7) "
    that we go" sounds so awkward and unnecessary. Just say it simply don't try to get to flowery in your words....the images you are creating are magic enough.

    8)"
    elapse poorly" you have such a wonderful description going! You don't want to introduce such a negative word like poorly. This phrase means to me that the date ends badly. I feel you really mean that you want to get the most possible out of this date and don't want it to end PERIOD.
    9)"all sound filmy?" hahahaha....no it doesn't sound like a greasy film at all!!!...it sounds beautiful. I know, I know you didn't mean this kind of film but that is what I thought of when I first read it.

    10) "
    the way I want to make it" it here could refer back to many things. Don't leave it to the reader's imagination. You "play it by ear" not "ears"

    I am sorry I reacted the way I did when I first read your prose. You have a good imagination and just need polish to your wording. Wordsmithing is the act of massaging text, changing a word here and there, sometimes rewriting whole paragraphs. Writers do this constantly, we are rarely satisfied.

    Keep writing...practise, practise, practise.

    PS: be careful of your verb tenses....be consistant with the use of "would"
    Last edited by Naamplao; 29-Oct-2007 at 03:57. Reason: still tinkering :-)


    • Join Date: Sep 2006
    • Posts: 433
    #8

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    Aaah - fade and cut.

    My suggestions for changes in pink.

    Hi Anglika,
    Please accept a very beautiful bunch of thanks for giving me a hand and offering me such nice suggestions.

    Can you please tell me one more thing? You have "the" with "sunset" is it necessary?


    • Join Date: Sep 2006
    • Posts: 433
    #9

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Hi Naamplao,

    Loads to thanks to you as well. It's real good of you to offer me such a wonder deal of suggestions. I couldn't understand somethings though. I remember in one of my previous threads you told me not to use "would" to talk about future actions or intentions, but in the last three lines of the first paragraph of your revised version you have used "would". Can you please explain this too, as I am once again a bit perplexed?

    P.S. please don't say "sorry" again. You are my teacher. I respect you a lot, and I don't want my teacher to be sorry for anything.


    • Join Date: Sep 2007
    • Posts: 1,153
    #10

    Re: My Idea of a Perfect Date

    Quote Originally Posted by asad hussain View Post
    Hi Naamplao,

    Loads to thanks to you as well. It's real good of you to offer me such a wonder deal of suggestions. I couldn't understand somethings though. I remember in one of my previous threads you told me not to use "would" to talk about future actions or intentions, but in the last three lines of the first paragraph of your revised version you have used "would". Can you please explain this too, as I am once again a bit perplexed?
    I don't recall saying this you will have to quote what I said for me to comment.

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