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  1. #1
    tachi Guest

    grammar error

    i was yelled at for my grammar errors in the following text
    but i read it over and over and couldn't figure what's wrong?
    help?

    A fallen leaf disturbed the surface of a placid lake
    Alluding to the quandary hidden within me
    Through the reflection I saw a face I coveted so dearly
    Reached out my hand to touch
    Found the tenderness to be your affectionate kiss
    I lingered along the stream
    The sky started to change its tone
    Once a clear blue sky turned into an endless night
    Stars shine above
    Reminding me of a indelible pain
    You stepped out of my life but left pieces of our memories behind
    Living in a lamentable dream
    where my last line was replaced by my wounded heart's cry

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Other than changing 'shine' to the past, there are no real grammatical errors. The absence of punctuation means that the reader has to imagine how to contruct it. I'd also move 'once' in line eight to after the indefinite article.

  3. #3
    tachi Guest
    thanks for the help~

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    I can't anything to yell about.

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
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    I would say in the reflection.
    Perhaps:
    • In the reflection I saw a face I coveted dearly.
      I reached out my hand to touch it.
      I found the tenderness to be your affecionate kiss.


    :)

  6. #6
    tachi Guest
    good points
    editing~ ^^

  7. #7
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    Re:
    • I lingered along the stream
      The sky started to change its tone
      Once a clear blue sky turned into an endless night
      Stars shine above
      Reminding me of a indelible pain

    Perhaps:
    • I lingered along the stream.
      The sky changed colors.
      A sky of clear blue turned into an endless night.
      The stars shone above,
      Reminding me of a indelible pain.


    What do you think?

    :)

    (When editing your work you must have some detachment. It is perhaps easier to edit the work of others.)

    :)

  8. #8
    tachi Guest
    hey
    i just notice something
    "Reminding me of a indelible pain"
    should it be
    "Reminding me of an indelible pain" ?

  9. #9
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    It should be, but it's still not yellable territory.

  10. #10
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tachi
    hey
    i just notice something
    "Reminding me of a indelible pain"
    should it be
    "Reminding me of an indelible pain" ?
    Yes, you are right. It should be an indelible pain. Of course, as Tdol noted, it is nothing to yell about. :wink:

    (Say: "I just noticed something.")
    (Say: "Shouldn't it be....")

    :)

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