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    #1

    story

    Hi there,
    I am writing a story. Can you proofread it for me?

    Peter’s father had a tumour in his lever. Doctor said he is too old to receive chemo and surgery. He doesn’t have any pain at the moment. But when the tumour gets bigger, actually it is as big as a tennisball now, it will clog the blood vessel around the organs, causing organ malfunction and the patient to die. What the doctor suggests is to let the patient eat what he likes, live happily. When he is discovered to have a fever or breathe with difficulty, he should be hosptialised at once.

    many thanks
    pete


    • Join Date: Nov 2007
    • Posts: 5,409
    #2

    Re: story

    Peter’s father has a tumour in his liver and the doctor said he is too old to receive chemo and surgery.

    He doesn’t have any pain at the moment. But when the tumour gets bigger, actually it is as big as a tennisball now, it will clog the blood vessel around the organs, causing organ malfunction and the patient to die.

    You have begun with three very short sentences which doesn't give any 'flow' to your narrative - we keep coming up sharply at full stops. I have changed this by combining the first two sentences. Also, don't begin sentences with "and" and "but". Then, the sentence would become a little long. What about:

    He doesn’t have any pain at the moment, but when the tumour gets bigger - actually it is as big as a tennisball now - it will clog the blood vessels around the organs. This will cause the organs to fail, and the patient will die.

    What the doctor suggests, is to let the patient

    You have called him "Peter's father" above; and you are not a doctor or nurse who would refer to anybody as a "patient", so:

    What the doctor suggests, is to let him eat what he likes, and live as comfortably and happily as possible. When he is found to have a fever or breathing difficulties/trouble with breathing, he's to be hosptialised at once.
    The doctor giving the advice would use the word "should" - you are merely relating what the doctor has advised.
    As well, the expression: "is to be hospitalized" is more the words of a doctor. What about, " he's to go into hospital at once."
    Last edited by David L.; 21-Nov-2007 at 11:17.

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