By correcting your essay, I am also learning English from you, so please don't humble yourself when I just bring up my opinion. When I study ESL and if I made mistakes: "verb tense", I would get score -1 point, "comma and period", -1/2 point, and "article and capital" -1/4 point. If you look at your entire essay again, you used just three commas. I believed readers understood your essay, but I don't think your ESL teacher's happy about these. Please check coordinating conjunctions and using commas where is needed.
The first paragraph (introduction), you should open wider, then narrow your main ideas: For example, In the world, some people think they are building the beautiful earth for their lives, but other are against to that idea because the earth are being destroyed by them. Your opinion: "extinction of very many species and global warming"
The second paragraph (body): you wrote: "Global warming is one of the most visible effects of mankind’s operations. The greenhouse effect is the increasing of the global temperature because of carbon dioxide emission into the atmosphere"
your idea was not strong to support "goble warming". At least you should tell readers that why the globle warming? why the globle is hoter? For example: many factories, many cars' smoke, people burn garbage . . . . .
(look like the third paragraph, you tell readers people kill animal . . .). then you describle how all those cause the globle warming: such as carbon dioxide emission into the atmosphere . . . .
The third paragraph, I thought OK.
The last paragraph (final thought): you should write the summary your main ideas and tell readers what we should do to save our globle.