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  1. Roberta Gallant's Avatar
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      • American English
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      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Apr 2007
    • Posts: 10
    #1

    What Makes a Good Paragraph

    Do any of the following paragraphs lack unity?
    If yes, please let me know with the proper paragraphing
    corrections.

    Thank you,
    Roberta Gallant
    Concord, New Hampshire



    At six o'clock yesterday morning - Dan Fogelberg, singer and songwriter whose hits
    "Leader of the Band" and "Same Old Lang Syne" helped defined the soft-rock era, died
    at his house somewhere in Maine battling prostate cancer. He was 56 years old. I heard
    about this in the CNN news on television last night.

    Right now I am emailing you the revised People First of New Hampshire newsletter and meeting
    minutes mailing lists. I attached the newsletter and meeting minutes mailing lists to this email
    message. Please delete the old lists and print out the updated mailing lists.



    I have good new to share with you! The New Hampshire Charitable Foundation finally sent
    me a letter stating it has approved a $500.00 award to cover my educational expenses for
    the period December 2007 to June 2008. I am so happy about this adventure!

    Right now I am emailing you a copy of the letter the New Hampshire Charitable Foundation
    mailed me. I attached the letter to this email message. Please read it.

    Merry Christmas! Right now I am emailing you a copy of a New Hampshire 2003 report
    on the former Laconia State School and Training Center to read. I attached it to this
    email message.
    Last edited by Roberta Gallant; 30-Dec-2007 at 23:24. Reason: I left out a bracket.

  2. oregeezer's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: What Makes a Good Paragraph

    Let's try a rewrite and see if it is any clearer:
    At six o'clock yesterday morning Dan Fogelberg the singer and songwriter whose hits
    "Leader of the Band" and "Same Old Lang Syne" helped define the soft-rock era, died of prostate cancer at his home in Maine. He was 56 years old. I heard about this on the CNN news last night.
    Did that help?

  3. Roberta Gallant's Avatar
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      • American English
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    #3

    Re: What Makes a Good Paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by oregeezer View Post
    Let's try a rewrite and see if it is any clearer:
    At six o'clock yesterday morning Dan Fogelberg the singer and songwriter whose hits
    "Leader of the Band" and "Same Old Lang Syne" helped define the soft-rock era, died
    of prostate cancer at his home in Maine. He was 56 years old. I heard about this on
    the CNN news last night. Did that help?


    Hello Oregeezer,

    Is the following paragraph better than the way I wrote it the first time?
    If yes, please let me know with more of your corrections.

    Thank you,
    Roberta Gallant
    Concord, New Hampshire





    At six o'clock recently Dan Fogelberg singer and songwriter whose hits "Leader
    of the Band" and "Same Old Lang Syne" helped defined the soft-rock era, died of prostate
    at his house in Maine cancer. He was 56 years old. I heard about this in the CNN news
    on television.
    Last edited by Roberta Gallant; 01-Jan-2008 at 05:05. Reason: I removed some unneccessary word.


    • Join Date: Aug 2006
    • Posts: 3,059
    #4

    Re: What Makes a Good Paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by Roberta Gallant View Post
    Hello Oregeezer,

    Is the following paragraph better than the way I wrote it the first time?
    If yes, please let me know with more of your corrections.

    Thank you,
    Roberta Gallant
    Concord, New Hampshire





    At six o'clock recently Dan Fogelberg singer and songwriter whose hits "Leader
    of the Band" and "Same Old Lang Syne" helped defined the soft-rock era, died of prostate cancer
    at his house in Maine [cancer]. He was 56 years old. I heard about this in the CNN news
    on television.
    It depends on what you're writing these paragraphs for, Roberta, or if you're even writing them at all. Are they a transcription of speech or are they meant for publication in ,say, a schoo, newspaper? With the addition of your last sentence, it sounds like speech.

  4. Roberta Gallant's Avatar
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      • American English
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      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Apr 2007
    • Posts: 10
    #5

    Re: What Makes a Good Paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by riverkid View Post
    It depends on what you're writing these paragraphs for, Roberta, or if you're even writing them at all. Are they a transcription of speech or are they meant for publication in ,say, a schoo, newspaper? With the addition of your last sentence, it sounds like speech.

    Hello Riverkid,
    Sometimes I do have trouble knowing when to start new paragraphs
    by breaking in paragraphs. That was the reason I asked you whether
    my paragraphs lacked unity and coherence. I was going to use these
    paragraphs to send out to the public by letter. I am interested in
    learning how to write proper paragraphs.

    Roberta Gallant
    Concord, New Hampshire

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