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  1. Unregistered

    Post Understanding Sentence Construction

    Could someone perhaps tell me if my example below is poorly constructed, which I suspect it is, or if I'm worrying over nothing.

    'Relieved and exhausted from the day's earlier escapades, and with partially blood-stained banadages wound around most of her joints, Hannah is now slumped atop the sofa with her eyes softly shut.'

    Is this fine? Would this do? Or would this style cause a barrage of laughs to be aimed right for me if I were to include it in, say, a screenplay?

    What I'm unsure of is whether or not my example takes too long to arrive at the subject -- Hannah. If this is the case, what is the error that I have committed called? What are the rules?

    Thoughts welcomed.

    • Join Date: Jan 2008
    • Posts: 21

    Re: Understanding Sentence Construction

    The construction is fine, no problem at all. I'd suggest these changes though:

    Exhausted from the day's earlier escapades, blood-stained bandages around her joints, sweat and grime all head to toe—Hannah slumped atop the sofa with her eyes softly shut.
    I guess you are emphasizing the long, tiring day, thus it is good to remove the "partially" and "most"—the indiscrete adverbs, even though it may be true that the bandages are partially stained and wrapped around certain joints.

    Furthermore, removing the conjunctions, prepositions and redundant words add on to that effect.

    Lastly, threes sound better than pairs in most descriptions, so I added a italicized part (feel free to change to something that suits your composition). Think: "Tom, Dick and Harry" sounds better than "Tom and Dick".

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