Motivation letter to the University of Amsterdam

[emocore]

Hello!
Thank you very much for this forum!
Can you please review my motivation letter please? This is very important for the admission..
Thanks!


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am hereby applying for entrance to International Business Administration program at the University of Amsterdam for the 2008 fall term.

First of all I would like to present some background about myself. My name is Anastasia, currently living in Israel, originally from Crimea, Ukraine. Since my early years the question of my future university studies and then a profession was very important to me. Therefore at the age of 14, when I had an opportunity to change something I made a very drastic step and joined the social project which provided me with an occasion to live and study in Israel. Since I moved there on my own, without any family members, I had to adapt myself for the new culture and language as quick as possible, so my knowledge of English language helped me a lot. I found myself a quick learner and even the fact that I had to study all of the subjects in Hebrew haven’t become an obstacle. Further more the situation made me very enthusiastic about foreign languages and English particularly.

During my high school studies I was elected the president of a student council. This allowed me to develop and use my leading and organizational skills and convinced me that I want to tie my future career with administration.

When I successfully graduated from school, I did not want to stop on what I achieved in Israel, but to continue my undergraduate studies in a respected European University such as University of Amsterdam.

After the high school I served an obligatory year in Israel Defense Force. There I was in charge on human resource office. It was a good possibility for me to sharpen administrative skills and interpersonal relations. I asked myself a question, which profession will grant me the ability to use and improve my existing strong points and skills. I have already knew it must be something related to administration, so the next step was to find out in which sector of administration and management I will express myself best and could use all my skills. Since I was always fascinated with world of business and economics and its influence on our life, the best choice for me is to study International Business in your University.

In conclusion I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work as part of a team. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion this program is the best way to achieve all of it and to explore the uniqueness of human personality. Its international aspect and very high standard of education encounters different students from various countries, so the interaction during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I am positive that the University of Amsterdam is an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

Thank you for considering my application

Sincerely yours

[David L.]

I think you will find that what is required is not an actual letter of application for admission to the University, or even to this particular faculty, but information in support of your application: what is motivating you to wish to study business administration; and perhaps also, why are you choosing Uni. of Amsterdam and their Faculty of Business Administration.
However, that does not preclude your closing sentence, thanking them for considering your application, since they will be reviewing all the information as well as this letter.
I will work on the first paragraph for you and post in a little while.

Dear Sir or Madam

I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the International Business Administration program at the University of Amsterdam for the 2008 autumn term.
and
NOTE: your name and identifiying details should be given at the top of this document so that assessors can identify it at a glance. Your address will be there, so no need to say you live in Isreal. Include your date of birth.
Also, you write, "Since my early years the question of my future university studies and then a profession was very important to me."
Why? I'm wondering whether conditions/employment opportunities/educational opportunities or lack of them weighed heavily here. We are looking for some strong formative influences as to why you have given many years of careful thought to your eventual career. Can you post your thoughts on that?

Before we go any further, you might like to look at these two websites and see how they influence further content of your letter in support:
University of Leicester - SSDS - Careers Service - Applications

HOW TO WRITE A MOTIVATION OR COVER LETTER

[RonBee]

During my high school studies - while I was in high school
When I successfully graduated from school - when I graduated from school
After the high school - after high school
Further more - furthermore
I am positive that the University of Amsterdam is an excellent start for an ambitious business career - I am positive that the University of Amsterdam would be an excellent start for an ambitious business career.


All in all, it looks good.

[emocore]

Thank you very much David L. and RonBee!

First of all I fixed the sentences that RonBee suggested.

Now about David L. corrections:
* You are right, it is neto motivation letter, not application for admission. I gave the last paragaph to sound nice and refined. You think it's totally unnecessary here?
* I posted only the body of the letter and the format of course includes all formal details.
* I also used the guide that you linked from the englishforums.com to compose the letter. I tried to be as clear as possible about my goals and reasons for choosing their Uni. In addition I preffered to tell about my ambitions, experiences and natural skills rather than giving info about myself. So maybe I still should leave some very general info like my residence and name in the body? It can be useful for the impression that the letter leaves..
* About the sentence that you highlited, "why it was important to me..", it is a good point! I thought about it, and I think is because I am very organized and detrment, I hate to leave things on hold and to postpone the solution to the last moment. Thats why I thought about the high education very early.
I'll think about how to express it best in the letter..

[RonBee]

In conclusion I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work as part of a team. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion this program is the best way to achieve that. I am positive that the University of Amsterdam would be an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

Thank you for considering my application.

Sincerely yours

[emocore]

Perfect!
Thank you RonBee, I'll wait a little for David L. to post his version of the first paragraph like he said.

[jackinside]

Hi. i would like to apply for master degree for university in sweeden, and i have to write a letter. could someone give some letter samples.