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    • Join Date: Dec 2007
    • Posts: 37
    #1

    I need your help in editing as soon as possible

    Please edit these following sentence from lyric of a song which my friend has just written as soon as possible ( Grammar, word-choice, and so on) . Thanks in advance


    When I wake up in the morning,
    You're the first thing on my mind'
    Then I'm online to look for your messenger
    Then I realize, I'm just a man
    With no money and no handsomeness
    So, My darling, I'll have to wait for you...
    You help me when I'm lost
    You make me feel so strong...
    you 're my life, my darling
    I'm lonely without you my darling...

  1. #2

    Re: I need your help in editing as soon as possible

    Mostly this is fine for song lyrics. 'Handsomeness' sounds a bit ugly, though, and it doesn't scan either. How about 'with no money and no looks' instead? Or if you need a longer phrase for the music, then 'and average looks'.


    • Join Date: Dec 2007
    • Posts: 37
    #3

    Re: I need your help in editing as soon as possible

    Clare, Thank you very much!
    and what about the others? Are they ok? And the title of this song is "thinking" . what do you think about this name? is is okie?

  2. #4

    Re: I need your help in editing as soon as possible

    There's just one other thing I noticed:
    the phrase in the third line 'Then I'm online to look for your messenger' need 'When' instead of 'Then'. This line doesn't sound 100% natural - maybe something like 'When I'm online checking for your messages' - but then the rhythm has to change, and perhaps you prefer the sound of the other phrase.

    Song lyrics don't have to be 100% natural sounding, though. Lots of bands use language in a surprising way.

    The rest of it is fine, and the title sounds good too.

    Clare
    ELTgames.com

  3. RonBee's Avatar
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    • Join Date: Feb 2003
    • Posts: 16,551
    #5

    Re: I need your help in editing as soon as possible

    Try:
    When I'm online and looking for your messages
    Also:
    With no money and not so good looking

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