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  1. #1
    Xzibit21 is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2008

    short story needs edit?

    I need to "show" and not "tell" ....

    It was 11:00am and period three jus ended. I was so happy as my stomach was begging for food with its constant noises. I began to walk towards my locker when all of a sudden BANG. A kid pushed another student into a locker. The two began to wrestle and throw a variety of upper cut and jab punches. A large crowd of students insured. Considering the fact I did not know the two gentlemen I thought and asked myself: Should I stop this? This answer was a definite no as the fight was quite entertaining. After two whole minutes of raging fists and countless number of verbal abuse, a teacher came and stopped the fight. I began to shake my head as I was in aw as to what I just witnessed. I haven’t seen a fight like that in a hallway since middle school and I’m already in grade 12. I finally arrived at my locker and to my dismay I realised I didn’t pack my lunch. I put my head down in disappointment as I knew I only had one option left: café food. The café food was not the greatest food around as most items were either burnt or under cooked. I slowly headed towards the café with sad face when suddenly BANG! Another student had thrown another student against a set of lockers. In my head I was like not this again. An even bigger crowd formed as the two males began to fight. This fight ended very quickly as one students punch knocked the other to the floor. As soon as the student fell to the floor, the other one jumped un top of him and started punching him one after another. Left, right, left, right. This carried on for about 10 seconds. Then shortly another student took him off. The crowd dispersed and both participants went there separate ways. This was beginning to be one entreating day at school I said to myself. I began to resume my walk towards the café. I had finally arrived at the café but with a long line waiting. I entered the line. 15 minutes had passed and I was still in line, my patience grew awry. After 25 minutes of waiting in line it was finally my turn. I began to look at the food available but everything was just awful. The café food was exactly how I had remembered it, unpleasant and burnt. My stomach began to rumble once again and I jus quickly picked up some fries and a burger. I walked out of the café with a frown on my face and sat down. Before I could take one bite of my burger, another fight erupted. This was truly a day of anger. The two male students started yelling at one another when suddenly one student grabbed the other by the throat and banged his head against the table. The verbal abuse continued. This fight lasted all but 5 seconds as the principal just happened to be in the area. When everything was done and settled I finally took a bite out of my sandwich.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
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    Join Date
    Feb 2003

    Re: short story needs edit?

    Quote Originally Posted by Xzibit21 View Post
    It was 11:00am and period three had just ended. I was so happy as my stomach was begging for food with its constant noises. I began walking towards my locker when all of a sudden--bang! A kid pushed another student into a locker. The two began fighting and threw a variety of upper cuts and jabs. A large crowd of students gathered around them.
    You were hungry and happy?

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