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  1. #1

    Question Please correct my admission essay!

    Here is the question asked by the school to which I applied: 'Why do you want to attend ABC high school?'

    And here is my essay. Could anyone please correct it for me? I need the correction as soon as possible. Well, I haven't written the end of the essay since I don't know what to write. Please give me some suggestion, too. Thank you very much.
    ================================================== =
    One of my most concerns when making decision to study abroad is whether the school I would attend could give me both good opportunities and challenges that I need to become a fully developed individual and still could it be a place where I would not get so much culture shocked which may distract my studying. For all of the above it can be believed that there would be no school to correspond to my need better than TCHS.

    For one thing, because the school is located near my guardian's house, it would be convenient for me to go to school every day. Furthermore, the security in the area surrounding the school is said to be always in good condition which, to some extent, may decrease the worry of my parent when I study there in a place thousands of miles away from my hometown.

    For another thing, offering a variety of extra curriculum, the school would give me occasions to get around studying and getting hands-on skills, as apposed to just sitting in a classroom and being fed knowledge. In addition, it would be possible for me to help others and to improve my social skills, as well.

    Above all, the most important reason why I choose TCHS is because of its well-trained and enthusiastic teachers and faculty. After visiting the website of TCHS, it can be seen that nearly twenty teachers have a master’s degree which means I would be taught by professional teachers and it is obvious that with the help of the devoted teachers my way to university would be somewhat easier. Besides, by means of the Internet, I notice that the academic environment in TCHS is rather competitive. Therefore it would help me to bring out the best in myself.
    ....
    Last edited by vv0510_vn; 11-May-2008 at 14:10.

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please correct my admission essay!

    Say:
    One of my biggest concerns about studying abroad is....
    Is part of the purpose of the essay to demonstrate your proficiency in English?

    ~R

  3. RonBee's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please correct my admission essay!

    Use shorter sentences.

    (The amount of help I can give you is limited due to ethical considerations.)


  4. RonBee's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please correct my admission essay!

    Quote Originally Posted by vv0510_vn View Post
    Above all, the most important reason why I chose TCHS is because of its well-trained and enthusiastic teachers and faculty.
    "Teachers" and "faculty" are the same thing.


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