My name is Diana Tower and I have been an English teacher for the past 2 and a half years. I am Canadian but I am currently living and working in Spain. (Just so you know a little about me and who is correcting your essay).
In general your essay is well organized, has a good voice or style and has a good flow. You want to make sure that you are using your tenses correctly as you go through your text. Make sure that you use the simple past for things that happened in the past and that are not occuring now. If things happen in general (like your mom making you dinner every night and helping you before she does something for herself) then you want to just put that in the present. (To make it general).
For example, I eat toast every morning (its habitual..present)
I ate toast yesturday (happened yesturday and is finished...simple past).
I hope that helps you. If you need anyother help don't hestitate to ask.
LEARN ENGLISH BY USING IT: PROVIDING ANSWERS & MOTIVATION EVERY STEP OF THE WAY
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