My name is Diana Tower and I have been teaching English for the past two years in Spain. I am Canadian and I studied my BA of English in Calgary. (Just so you know a little about me).
You can see that I made some corrections to your essay above. You write well, and can express your ideas with a nice flow and style, but you need to try and fatten up or fill in some holes. You sometimes introduce an idea but then you don't speak about it as fully as you could. This is not a major problem and can easily be corrected.
My suggestion would be to watch out for your tenses...keep things in the same tense. (Don't jump from past to present etc).
Other than that, you use really great expressions to get your ideas across. Well done.
I am not sure what grade I would give you, it depends on what grading system your are working with. But I would say that you have an mid-high intermediate level of writing. Keep up the good work.
I hope that helps you.
Have a great day!
Student or Learner