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    • Join Date: Jan 2008
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    #1

    Is the sentence correct?

    Shown below is the beginning of a business letter where I am doing a little name dropping to grab the recipient’s attention. Is the sentence correct?


    Dear Mr. Smith:

    My Mother Mrs. Margi Jones and your Mother-in-law Mrs. Mary Taylor, both advocates of Centipede Development Systems, Inc., passed along to me the possibility that employment opportunities may exist within your organization.

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    #2

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.
    Just a comment on the sentence. I think there should be better words to use than 'advocate' (too strong?)and 'pass along'(is it correct?)

  1. bhaisahab's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    Quote Originally Posted by wcsteiner View Post
    Shown below is the beginning of a business letter where I am doing a little name dropping to grab the recipient’s attention. Is the sentence correct?


    Dear Mr. Smith:

    My Mother Mrs. Margi Jones and your Mother-in-law Mrs. Mary Taylor, both advocates of Centipede Development Systems, Inc., passed along to me the possibility that employment opportunities may exist within your organization.

    My Mother, Mrs. Margi Jones and your Mother-in-law Mrs. Mary Taylor, both advocates of Centipede Development Systems, Inc., have informed me of the possibility that employment opportunities may exist within your organization.

    This is better I think. I am not sure what advocates means in this context. Are they lawyers?

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    #4

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    How about this:


    My mother, Mrs. Margi Jones,and your mother-in-law, Mrs. Mary Taylor, both advocates supporters of Centipede Development Systems, Inc., passed along to me the possibility that employment opportunities may exist have indicated to me the possibility of employment opportunities existing within your organization.


    • Join Date: Jan 2008
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    #5

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    Thank you for your help, it is perfect. I used the word advocate based on the definition of; to support or speak in favor of something. My mom and his mother-in-law both speak favorably of the guy's business.


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    #6

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    I think bhaisahab nailed it perfectly with the following:

    My Mother, Mrs. Margi Jones and your Mother-in-law Mrs. Mary Taylor, both advocates of Centipede Development Systems, Inc., have informed me of the possibility that employment opportunities may exist within your organization.

    Thank you for your input.

    Warren

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    #7

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    Is there a reason to use capitals for mother and mother-in-law?


    • Join Date: Jan 2008
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    #8

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    I am sure there is a reason, but you would have to ask bhaisahab. I'm not very good with rules. I'm very new to this web site and wondered if my thank you note was sent correctly?

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    #9

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    Yes, it was, Steiner. Thank you for the thank you note.
    Don't mean to be pedantic, but I think 'mother' should be in small letter.


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    #10

    Re: Is the sentence correct?

    I had to look up the word pedantic. Nice usage.

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