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  1. banderas's Avatar
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    #1

    Smile Being positive

    Dear Teachers, could you check this short story for mistakes?
    Thank you.

    Let's start with last summer. I remember how my attitude was then - very carefree. I would always ride a bike around the city and leave the bike behind, and I never, not even once, worried about having it stolen, and it was always there when I returned. I didn't know how it worked, but then one day I rode a bike to a grocery store with a friend of mine. He was panicked that his bike would be stolen - his bike was rusty and old and mine was rather new. I told him to calm down and don't worry, but he kept worrying. When we were done with the shop and turned out, his bike was stolen and mine wasn't. I found it very amazing.

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      • Malaysia
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    #2

    Re: Being positive

    Quote Originally Posted by banderas View Post
    Dear Teachers, could you check this short story for mistakes? .
    I try to help you to correct the story you created.

    It was in last summer. I remember my careless attitude. I would always ride a bike around the city and left the bike behind. I never, not even once, worried about having it been stolen, and it was always there when I returned. I didn't know how it worked. But then one day I rode a bike to a grocery store with my friend. He was rather panicked that his bike would be stolen - his bike was rusty and old but mine was rather new. I told him to calm down and not to be worried, but he was. When we had finished shopping. We found his bike was stolen and luckly mine wasn't. I find it very amazing.

  2. bhaisahab's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Being positive

    Let's start with last summer. I remember how my attitude was then - very carefree. I would always ride a bike around the city and leave the bike behind, and I never, not even once, worried about having it stolen, and it was always there when I returned. I didn't know how it worked, but then one day I rode a bike to a grocery store with a friend of mine. He was panicking that his bike would be stolen - his bike was rusty and old and mine was rather new. I told him to calm down and not to worry, but he kept worrying. When we were done with the shopping and came out, his bike had been stolen and mine hadn't. I found it amazing.

    Your text was nearly perfect, I have made a few small alterations, I hope you don't mind.

  3. banderas's Avatar
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      • Polish
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      • Poland
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      • UK

    • Join Date: Mar 2008
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    #4

    Re: Being positive

    Are there any low-level errors in that text? I mean expressions which are quite good but not very natural to a native ear?
    Thank you.

  4. banderas's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Polish
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      • Poland
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      • UK

    • Join Date: Mar 2008
    • Posts: 1,512
    #5

    Re: Being positive

    Quote Originally Posted by bhaisahab View Post
    I told him to calm down and not to worry, but he kept worrying. When we were done with the shopping and came out, his bike had been stolen and mine hadn't. I found it amazing.

    Your text was nearly perfect, I have made a few small alterations, I hope you don't mind.
    1....told him don't worry.
    2....done with the shoop.
    3....and turned out,
    4....his bike was stolen.
    I am not sure about 2, 3 and 4.
    Can you explain more, please?


    • Join Date: Nov 2007
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    #6

    Re: Being positive

    Let's start with last summer. I remember how my attitude was then - very carefree. I would always ride a bike around the city and leave the bike behind, and I never, not even once, worried about having it stolen, and it was always there when I returned. I didn't know how it worked, but then one day I rode a bike to a grocery store with a friend of mine. He was panicked that his bike would be stolen - his bike was rusty and old and mine was rather new. I told him to calm down and don't worry, but he kept worrying. When we were done with the shop and turned out, his bike was stolen and mine wasn't. I found it very amazing.

    Let's start with last summer. : This is a great opening sentence. It presupposes (to the reader) that you have already gone into some preamble (information which isn't necessarily important to the understanding of what comes next); and arrests our attention.


    I remember how my attitude was then - very carefree. : This sentence continues to build some tension of expectancy, until we reach the dash, and all you then say is two words, and not every exciting, since 'very carefree' suggests 'nothing to be tense/alert/scared/something is going to happen' about. It deflates the tension. Keep the tension:
    I remember how my attitude was then: let's say. 'very carefree'.

    Now - there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have phrased it. It's just that the way I have phrased it suggests to the reader that you were, oh, so mistaken to be so 'very carefree' and so, it keeps the tension: Something is going to happen!


    I would always ride a bike around the city and leave the bike behind:

    As the sentence stands, a native speaker has to stop and think: you ride it 'about the city', yet you leave it behind at home? Oh, he means, 'he rides it around' and then leaves it at the place where he stops and gets off!


    and I never, not even once, worried about having it stolen, : keep the tension - add a ittle extra pause: use a semi-colon instead of a comma.

    ...having it stolen; and it was always there when I returned. I didn't know how it worked: you need another semi-colon here, which means two semi-colons very close together. Not so bad; but a way round that is:

    ...how it worked, until one day : you choose!

    ;but then one day I rode a bike to a grocery store with a friend of mine. He was panicked that his bike would be stolen. His bike was rusty and old, and mine was rather new. I told him to calm down and not to

    worry, but he kept worrying. : needs fixing

    When we came out of the shop, his bike was stolen and mine wasn't. I found it

    very amazing. : this sounds like something a teenager would say, like the teenager talk and use of 'excellent', as in Bill and Ted fame.

    You have built your story to this point. To then just say, "I was dumbfounded" leaves you, the storyteller, looking na´ve. At that particular moment, you may have been 'amazed'. The trouble is, when you get to the ending, most of your readers will know, "Well, of course they will steal the good bike rather than the old bike." Better to use your anecdote as a 'coming of age/learning about life' story:
    Even just: A penny dropped would do. Can you think up a better equivalent to match your story (which is so excellent, it is very amazing.!) The reader will then emphathize with you.
    Last edited by David L.; 06-Aug-2008 at 20:16.

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