Goodness, I'm crying!
ALL the examples are advertisements or signs taken from real life:
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Missing or mutilated modifiers, again all from real life signs, ads or notices:
(So don’t drool on the waitresses.)
-For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
(What a picture!)
-Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
(Way to go, granny!)
-Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
(Nothing like beating those round-bottomed cooks!)
-On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." (I remember them. They didn’t go very far, did they?)
-Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
(Nothing worse than hootenannies in the graveyard -- and what the heck is a letter lout??)
-Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
(I don’t think I want to eat here anymore.)
-Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
(All the better to hear you with, my dear!)
-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
(Now THOSE are some quiet children!!)
-Don't let worry kill you ― let the church help.
(I wonder if that’s how all those folks in the previous section got sick and tired?)
-The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Here we are talking about it and they and other unattached pronouns that refer to absolutely nothing in the sentence and give entirely the wrong meaning. Better to have too many proper names or real nouns than pronouns bouncing around with no social conscience and very little sense. (Yup, real life again.)
-Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
-We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(That’s what makes us the TEARminators! muahahahaaaaaa)
-Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
-Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
(If he’s as antique as the bed, he ain’t getting far!)
-In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." (Dressing for their jobs at a sideshow?)
-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
(What? The Easter Bunny was busy?)
And some more... Perhaps I'm boring to some, but simply - don't read!
-Leaping off the cliff, I saw the mountain goat land safely 20 feet below me.
(Most people see their life flash before their eyes. I see mountain goats?)
-Playing MMORPGs from dawn to dusk, the computer makes my eyes water sometimes.
(My computer squirts stuff in my eyes, ya know.)
-Being flat, Kelly changed the tire. (Poor Kelly needs one of those new bras.)