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  1. chester_100's Avatar
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    #1

    Correct me, please

    The following paragraphs are English translations of a text. Considering the questions below, how do you evaluate them ?

    1. Are the punctuation and sentence structures correct?
    2. What do you suggest for the words or phrases that may look strange in English?
    3. Write a couple of lines about what it is trying to get across.

    Thank you very much for your aid.

    At that time……….

    It was as though, at the zenith of the abstract silence of the Universe, the merciless shriek of the cloud and the wind denied the existence of the Creator. So severely, the scourge, with utter determination of curse, was washing away the rotten beliefs of the Co-kinds, upon whose behalf, neither the pure nature of heaven-dwellers nor the auspicious prayers of mankind could intercede.

    Good and Evil were punished equally. For today’s Good was tomorrow’s Evil.
    There was no place for hesitancy, or for Truth. Supposition was all-present.
    Yet, from the Divine throne a chance to flee was bestowed upon the double-faced.

  2. Raymott's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Correct me, please

    Quote Originally Posted by chester_100 View Post
    The following paragraphs are English translations of a text. Considering the questions below, how do you evaluate them ?

    1. Are the punctuation and sentence structures correct?
    2. What do you suggest for the words or phrases that may look strange in English?
    3. Write a couple of lines about what it is trying to get across.
    At that time……….

    It was as though, at the zenith of the abstract silence [this is meaningless] of the Universe, the merciless shriek of the cloud and the wind denied the existence of the Creator [strange for clouds and winds to have such opinions]. So severely, the scourge, [What was the scourge - the wind and clouds?] with utter determination of curse, was washing away the rotten beliefs of the Co-kinds [Co-kinds has no meaning in English], upon whose behalf, neither the pure nature of heaven-dwellers nor the auspicious prayers of mankind could intercede.

    Good and Evil were punished equally. For today’s Good was tomorrow’s Evil.
    There was no place for hesitancy, or for Truth. Supposition was all-present.
    Yet, from the Divine throne a chance to flee was bestowed upon the double-faced.
    [What/Who is the double-faced?]

    This sounds to me like it is meant to signify a time when chaos ruled, the winds and the clouds were scourging the Earth and its inhabitants, without regard to whether they deserved it. However, it seems they were also washing away rotten beliefs, and no-one can stop them.
    It sounds like a description of a place of moral chaos; but strangely there is a heaven, and some people on Earth actually pray for intercession.
    I would read this as a prologue to a tale in which a God appears, such that, if people follow his commands, things will improve. Many such tales begin this way.

  3. chester_100's Avatar
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      • Persian
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      • Iran
      • Current Location:
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    #3

    Re: Correct me, please

    Dear Raymott,

    Thanks a million! Your evaluation is doubtlessly perfect. I feel better now, for as a translator I have fulfilled my task: The translated text has the exact ambiguities which are in the original text. My only mistake according to your statement of value is “zenith of the abstract silence”; By “zenith” I meant “the highest point of silence”, and if there is a better literary equivalent for this concept, mention it please. Something like climax may be correct.


    Other strange parts:

    1.The cloud and the wind denied the existence of the Creator.

    This seems to be a simple metaphor. The poet is drawing an implicit parallel between the cacophony caused by the thunder and the mighty wind who (like human beings) set off a Rebellion against an authoritative being.

    2.The scourge

    The Tormentor! In order to give some mythological aspects to his story, the poet might have chosen the instrument rather than the agent.


    3.Co-kinds

    The poet has made a distinction between “the heaven-dwellers” and “mankind”.
    Yet, he writes about some unknown creatures who are being tortured .He uses in the source language a word which literally means ”those of the same kind”: As a result,
    I created a new combination Co + kind. I admit that it looks strange. I would really appreciate it, if you suggested the right word(s), containing the same inscrutable sense.

    4.Double-faced

    The original word in the work is “Actors” which implies hypocrisy in the source language. It can also mean a person who ignores unpleasant things (an ostrich).


    According to Nida the translated work should create the same (psychological) effect on the reader of the receptor language. Analyzing the concepts is a different matter which is beyond the scope of translation.


    Once more I thank you so much! It would be to my pleasure if you would be kind again and clarify the mentioned uncertain parts. Once in a blue moon I spend some time on such matters of language. Is it possible for you to guide me from time to time? If so, let me know, please.

    Cordially yours,

    Chester

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