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    #11

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    Si Thu:

    Why not post some short passages that you have written, as your own thread?
    Members of the forum will be happy to proofread them.

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    #12

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    Thank you David L.

    I would like to ask if I understand well:
    “so that when we see him on the(omit) screen for the first time at the airport”
    The “the(omit)” means that I don’t need the ‘the’? So the proper transcription is: “so that when we see him on screen for the first time at the airport”?

    And I will send the two next paragraphs in the following thread.

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    #13

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    Dear David L., Thank you for your advice. I'll try to write something.

    Si Thu

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    #14

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    The story is very simple. John goes to New York to give the divorce-paper to his wife, Elena, the famous skater. But he discovers secrets and he stays to help Elena to escape from her deadly situation. When they get almost out of all the freeze of the civilization and of the Ice Corporation, they arrive in the freeze of the nature and they are captured in the middle of nowhere. When they are over there without nothing in the snowing, John find out that who seems their closest friend and relative, Michael, Elena’s brother and his brother-in-low, by human weakness, is also their enemy. The frozen of the human nature, the deadly heart-breaks, all these things are related… and depends on each other. But the way of John and Elena forward the hoped issue, despite of their hopeless situation, is full of warm and love. Because it’s all about love… they are asleep in the cold, but even if the tears, suppressed cries and angry, they are happy, they are together.

    I estimate very very good this movie, this became one of my favorite… there’s one thing I don’t like in it: John and Elena are not real… they are only in the mind of Marcello. That’s not good, because I liked them, even if at the beginning of the movie it was yet evident that they are in fantasy…


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    #15

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    Hunliner:
    It is 'on-screen'.
    'when we see him on the screen' sounds a little odd. We have been hearing his voice, and so it would be better to write, 'so when he appears on-screen for the first time at the airport'.
    Your passage:
    The story is very simple. John goes to New York to give the(omit) divorce papers to his wife, Elena, a famous skater.
    (This is a fictional character, and so prior to seeing this movie and knowing that the character of Elena is a famous skater, we have never heard of her. Hence, you need to tell us, 'she is a famous skater'. If you were writing, 'to meet Albert Einstein, the famous scientist', then we all know who he is. It is not just anybody named Albert Einstein, but the Albert Einstein, the famous scientist.)

    In these sentences:
    But he discovers secrets and he stays to help Elena to escape from her deadly situation. When they get almost out of all the freeze of the civilization and of the Ice Corporation, they arrive in the freeze of the nature
    ...I'm afraid I don't know what 'out of all the freeze of civilization' means. Is this some futuristic fantasy, where the Ice Corporation has a diabolical plot to take over the world by causing blizzards and/or freezing people into blocks of ice?

    and they are captured in the middle of nowhere.

    When they are over there without nothing in the snowing, : over where? And does 'without nothing' mean no equipment, or no clothing suitable for being out in snow?


    John find out that the person who is their closest friend and relative, Michael, Elena’s brother and his brother-in-law,

    by human weakness: this is not clear. Is he working for the Ice Corporation, seduced by money or the promise of power?

    is also their enemy.
    The frozen of the human nature, the deadly heart-breaks : Could you perhaps rewrite this with a little more detail?

    all these things are recounted… and
    depends on each other : are inter-related.

    But the way of John and Elena forward the hoped issue, despite of their hopeless situation,: But the way John and Elena (I don't know what you mean)

    is full of warmth and love.

    Because it’s all about love… : perhaps it is better to say, "Because that's what the film is about - love.

    they are asleep in the cold, but even if the tears, suppressed cries and angry, they are happy, they are together.: Sleeping in the cold snow, despite their tears and past anger towards each other, they are happy...they are together.

    I estimate very very good this movie,: I consider this a really good movie.

    this became one of my favorite… there’s one thing I don’t like in it: It is one of my favourites...but there is, nevertheless, one thing I don't like in it:


    John and Elena are not real… they are only in the mind of Marcello.

    That’s not good, because I liked them, : that detracts from the movie, because we really care about them as real people

    even if at the beginning of the movie it was yet evident that they are in fantasy… : even though, from the start, it was evident the movie itself was a fantasy.
    Last edited by David L.; 28-Oct-2008 at 13:14.

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    #16

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    Thank you very much David L.


    I try to understand and use (=get?) everything about you wrote; I will complete or rewrite that you asked me, and also I’ll rewrite the continuation of my description about the movie trying to use your advices before sending it for proofreading.

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    #17

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    David L. first, I would like to thank you for your substantial help, your time you give me. Thank you


    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    In these sentences:
    But he discovers secrets and he stays to help Elena to escape from her deadly situation. When they get almost out of all the freeze of the civilization and of the Ice Corporation, they arrive in the freeze of the nature
    ...I'm afraid I don't know what 'out of all the freeze of civilization' means. Is this some futuristic fantasy, where the Ice Corporation has a diabolical plot to take over the world by causing blizzards and/or freezing people into blocks of ice?
    Yes, it’s a little bit futuristic (we are in 2021). It seems that the Ice Corporation is a kind of symbol of this general freeze. The general freeze has many layers of meanings. Firstly there’s an approach of the ice age climatic: in the hot summer, there are some snowy days when the cold come suddenly, and there are also global aspect of that freeze for example in Uganda there are deadly consequences of this anomaly. But the movie doesn’t focus on the climate, the subject is the other freezes: in the first some minutes of the movie we can meet a strong anomaly inside the society. Namely when John sees a dead man in front of him at the bottom of the escalator, his followers – polite employees of Ice Corporation – inform him that he have to do: step over him. They give also information about a new illness: the heart-break without apparent cause. It happens mostly to the lonely and sad people. In my interpretation it’s also a sort of freeze: stop of the life. The Ice Corporation has a plan: instead of Elena (ho has also weakness of heart – she is sad without her husband) the corporation put the clones Elena, and let Elena and John live their life… that is the top of the ice-mount, but the hidden part is that they want to kill them… again the dead, the stop of the life, the freeze…

    There are also many signs of allusion to the symbol of the freeze in this story, but I’m afraid my English is too poor to treat all of them (but I hope with your big help I’ll be able )

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    and they are captured in the middle of nowhere.

    When they are over there without nothing in the snowing, : over where?
    “Over there” wants to mean here “in the middle of nowhere”. In their belief that is the beginning of their escape… but they can’t reach the contact person at this little village where they left the train because he didn’t show up at the meeting point.

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    And does 'without nothing' mean no equipment, or no clothing suitable for being out in snow?And does 'without nothing' mean no equipment, or no clothing suitable for being out in snow?
    Yes, exactly. They have no sufficient clothes for the winter weather – it’s in July – the batteries of the cellular phone run out, the roads are closed because of the snow. They cannot ask help.

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    John find out that the person who is their closest friend and relative, Michael, Elena’s brother and his brother-in-law,


    by human weakness: this is not clear. Is he working for the Ice Corporation, seduced by money or the promise of power?

    Yes, apparently all the Ice Corporation worked for Elena, so does Michael, but in the reality the Corporation lived from Elena’s success. Michael were always in the second row, but the Corporation gave him a choice: he can be finally somebody, but the price of that is the elimination of Elena and John (I’m not sure but perhaps because they know the secret concerning the clones)

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    (...) But the way of John and Elena forward the hoped issue, despite of their hopeless situation,: But the way John and Elena (I don't know what you mean)
    They start going somewhere where John supposes a village or little town. In their concrete situation this supposed village is their hoped issue. So mean they are in way forward a supposed village, a hoped issue.

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    (...)they are asleep in the cold, but even if the tears, suppressed cries and angry, they are happy, they are together.: Sleeping in the cold snow, despite their tears and past anger towards each other, they are happy...they are together.

    past anger towards each other : Sorry, I wasn’t clear, I didn’t want to write that. The suppressed cries and angry became from John’s helplessness when he sees Michael’s betray (treason?) – he didn’t tell it Elena - when he sees he cannot do anything against the frozen dead of his wife.

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    (...)
    Last edited by hunliner; 28-Oct-2008 at 17:07.


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    #18

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    Let's have a look at your understanding of some wordss:

    are in way forward a supposed village

    What does 'forward' mean here?

    In their concrete situation this supposed village is their hoped issue.

    by 'concrete', are you meaning 'very real'?

    What do you mean by 'issue' here?

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    #19

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    are in way forward a supposed village

    What does 'forward' mean here? = in the direction of (?)

    In their concrete situation this supposed village is their hoped issue.

    by 'concrete', are you meaning 'very real'? = yes, I am

    What do you mean by 'issue' here? = output, get-out (?)

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    #20

    Re: proofreading - learning at home

    David L. I tried to consider what you wrote me, and I reworked my writing, and that is the result. To your mind, is that acceptable?

    - - -

    The story is very simple. John goes to New York to give divorce papers to his wife, Elena, a famous skater. But he discovers secrets around Elena and about the plans of Ice Corporation and finally he stays to help Elena to escape from her deadly situation. When they get almost out of all the freeze of the civilization and of the Ice Corporation, they arrive in the freeze of the nature and they are captured in the middle of nowhere. They are without nothing in the snowing, John find out that who seems their closest friend and relative, Michael, Elena’s brother and his brother-in-low, by human weakness, is also their enemy. The frozen of the human nature, the deadly heart-breaks, all these things are linked… and are inter-related. But the way of John and Elena toward the hoped get-out, despite of their hopeless situation, is full of warmth and love. Because that's what the film is about - love. They are sleeping in the cold snow, despite their tears and anger towards the impossible situation, they are happy...they are together.

    I consider this a really good movie. It is one of my favourites...but there is, nevertheless, one thing I don't like in it: John and Elena are not real… they are only in the mind of Marcello. That detracts from the movie, because we really care about them as real people even though, from the start, it was evident the movie itself was a fantasy.

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