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    • Join Date: Apr 2008
    • Posts: 154
    #1

    Please help proofread these two passages.

    Here are two passages. One is quoted from a booklet, one is my rephrasing. If you have time, please proofread both.

    1.In this master degree program, I had the chance to approach different sectors under environmental and public health category. 2.These courses were taught by experienced professors and it involved experience sharing by professionals in related sectors. 3.These program materials allowed us to obtain the basic requirement to be in the management level in these sectors. 4.The knowledge I learned from this program was useful in applying for the job that I am currectly undertaking.5. Since environment-oriented issues are very new worldwide, there is rarely a well-equipped master program on this in Hong Kong. 6.I believe this master program offered by this university is a helpful program for professionals and students who have been developing and who have the intention to develop their career in environment-oriented sections.

    The following is my tweaked version. Your proofreading is very much appreciated too.


    1.This master degree program offered me opportunities to approach many sectors of Environmental and public health studies. 2. In the courses, the professors' expertise and experience inspired us a lot. 3.The program materials are so useful as to qualify ourselves to be competitive in the management level in these sectors. 4.The knowledge I acquired from this program helped me apply for the post I have been undertaking.5. Since environment-oriented issue has become a new concern all over the world, the related-well-equipped master programs are still not enough in HK. 6.I believe this master program offered by this university is a helpful program for professionals and students who have every intention of launching their career in environment-oriented sections.

    Thanks
    Last edited by Anglika; 30-Oct-2008 at 20:37.


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #2

    Re: Please help proofread these two passages.

    Quote Originally Posted by redgiant View Post
    Here are two passages. One is quoted from a booklet, one is my rephrasing. If you have time, please proofread both.

    1.In this master degree program, I had the chance to approach different sectors under environmental and public health category. 2.These courses were taught by experienced professors and it involved experience sharing by professionals in related sectors. 3.These program materials allowed us to obtain the basic requirement to be in the management level in these sectors. 4.The knowledge I learned from this program was useful in applying for the job that I am currectly undertaking.5. Since environment-oriented issues are very new worldwide, there is rarely a well-equipped master program on this in Hong Kong. 6.I believe this master program offered by this university is a helpful program for professionals and students who have been developing and who have the intention to develop their career in environment-oriented sections.

    The following is my tweaked version. Your proofreading is very much appreciated too.


    1.This master degree program offered me opportunities to approach many sectors of Environmental and Public Health studies. 2. In the courses, the professors' expertise and experience inspired us a lot. 3.The program materials are so useful as to qualify us to be competitive at management level in these sectors. 4.The knowledge I acquired from this program helped me apply and successfully get the post in which I have been working.5. Since environment-oriented issues have become a new concern all over the world, the related well-equipped master programs are still not enough in HK. 6.I believe this master program as offered by this university is a helpful program for professionals and students who have every intention of launching their career in environment-oriented sectors.
    ..
    Thanks
    I have only proofed your version.


    • Join Date: Apr 2008
    • Posts: 154
    #3

    Re: Please help proofread these two passages.

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    I have only proofed your version.
    Thanks, Anglika
    I have one more question,

    "I believe this master program as offered by this university is a helpful program for professionals and students who have every intention of launching their career in environment-oriented sectors."

    Why do you use "as" here? is it grammatically wrong to use without "as"?: " I believe this master program (which is)offered by the university is a ....."


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #4

    Re: Please help proofread these two passages.

    No - it is perfectly correct without, but shifts the meaning slightly. You can leave it out perfectly sensibly.

    The program as offered by = the program that is offered in a particular way by this college, and may be different from that in other colleges.

    The program offered by = The program offered in this college. There is no implication of comparison with other colleges.

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