Slogan for Internet Banking

[Anonymous]

Dear Teacher,

My friend wrote a slogan for the internet banking of a bank which goes like this:

"TOO BUSY TO BE IN LINE, JUST A CLICK YOU'LL BE ON LINE"

She wants it to rhyme. Does it sound OK? I feel the words "IN LINE" do not quite carry the meaning of being in the queue.

I feel the slogan need to be modified like this:-

"TOO BUSY TO JOIN THE LINE, JUST CLICK AND YOU'LL BE ON LINE"

Does the word "THE LINE" indicate being in the queue? How does it differ from the former?

Your comment is highly appreciated and do you have any suggestion so that it carry the same meaning.

Regards.

[gwendolinest]

To me, that’s fine. Can I make a suggestion, though? IMHO, the punctuation can affect the impact with which the message hits the reader as well. How about:

Too busy to join the line?
Just click and you’ll be on line!

()

[Tdol]

To keep close to the original, you could say 'get in line' rather than 'be in line'. :P

[Abdul Jalil Ashaari]

Thank you both for your kind assistance.
So I would say that the words "be in line" in the original slogan do not quite denote that the customer need to be in the queue.

I very much agree with both of your suggestions.
The question mark suggested do carry an impact.
The words proposed "get in line" do clearly indicate that the customer need to join the queue.
Once again thanks to both of you.

Regards

[Tdol]

You're welcome